Monday, October 31, 2016

No Stripes for Hillary

Q. Why doesn't Hillary wear stripes?

A. They make her look more criminal.

Cheesy Hillary

Q. What's the difference between Hillary and a pepperoni pizza?

A. One's round, doughy, and smells like cheese, the other one is covered with pepperoni.

Hillary Clinton and the Graybar Hotel

Hillary Clinton is joking that her hair won't turn gray in the White House. That's actually true. It will turn gray in prison.

Hillary's Me Time

Hillary Clinton announced that she's taking another break from the campaign trail. She insists that she isn't sick this time, she just wants to spend more time with the voices in her head.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Eternally Hillary Clinton

Q. What is Hillary Clinton's favorite saying? 

A. A lie.

Hillary's Halloween Party

Hillary Clinton announced that she will host a Halloween party for her followers. Hillary won't have any candy for her guests, but there will be plenty of Kool-Aid.

Spielberg's Widescreen Production

Steven Spielberg is already working on a movie to glorify the presidency of Hillary Clinton. The film's working title is "The Devil Knows Nada." 

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Friday, October 28, 2016

Fresh as a Hillary

Q. What does Hillary Clinton air freshener smell like?

A. Depends.

Hillary's Raison D'être

When the devil realized he couldn't be everywhere, he made a Hillary Clinton. 

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Hillary Clinton's Dad Jeans

Hillary Clinton is forcing her husband Bill Clinton to do more of his campaign fundraising appearances in Dad jeans, in order to make him look like a family man. Hillary borrowed the jeans from Webb Hubbell.

Jimmy Kimmel's Hillary Joke on Hold

Jimmy Kimmel announced this week that he would finally get around to telling a Hillary Clinton joke, just as soon as her campaign approved it. 

The Snort That Refreshes

Q. Why does Hillary Clinton snort Equal?

A. She thought it was diet coke.

It Was Just a Joke

When Obama appeared on his television program, Jimmy Kimmel said that Barack had to "take time away from helping rig the election" for Hillary Clinton in order to make the appearance. After an brief but intense discussion off-screen during a commercial break, a bruised and disheveled Kimmel returned to the air and insisted that he was only joking.

Death Row Hillary

The Huffington Post reports that Hillary Clinton joked about her ‘Death Row Records’ fashion inspiration. Seth Rich was not available for comment.

Contagious Alcoholism

Since Hillary can't stop drinking, she's going to make all of the rest of us want to.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Rally Bill

Hillary Clinton's rally attendance has dropped so low that she's changing her campaign slogan to, "Bill Clinton is my husband."

Hillary Work

Q. What's the only kind of work has Hillary Clinton ever done?

A. Wetwork.

No Well Drinks

Q: Why will Hillary's inaugural celebration cost $50 million? 

A: Because she wants an open bar.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Hillary Loves Everyday Americans

Hillary Clinton's new book about how she actually loves "everyday Americans" is priced at $29.99, plus $12,000 for the jacket.

She Wants What She Has Paid For

Q. Why did Hillary Clinton screech at the debate moderator?

A. Because she didn't get all of the questions she paid for in advance.

The VA Strategy

Q. How does Hillary Clinton plan to fix Obamacare? 

A. Longer waiting periods.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Hillary Clinton's Amygdala

The Verge reports that, "Your brain gets used to lying as you do it more." If that's true, why did Hillary Clinton need to have the questions sent to her in advance?

Trump's Old Fashioned Values

Hillary Clinton claims that all of Donald Trump's values are outdated compared to hers. His are from 1776, while her's are more like 1984.

Hillary's Slow Teleprompter

Hillary Clinton is very slow when answering questions posed to her by reporters. That's because of the time lag from Saudi Arabia to her teleprompter.

Nukes For Sale

Q. How will Hillary Clinton monitor how Iran's nuclear program is progressing?

A. She'll check her receipts.

Take a Hillary Hike

Q: What is Hillary Clinton's new fitness plan to get people walking again? 

A: Extreme poverty.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Trustworthy Hillary

Q. Why does Tim Kaine keep saying that he trusts Hillary Clinton? 

A. He's fishing for a role in Idiocracy 2. 

Giving Barack a Run For His Money

Hillary Clinton is giving narcissism and looting taxpayers very, very bad names.

Even Hillary Has a Purpose

Hillary Clinton's sole beneficial purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

Hillary's Hammers

Q. Why did Hillary Clinton smash her Blackberries with hammers?

A. They wouldn't go through the paper shredder.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Literal Hillary

I wonder what would happen if someone wrote "fart" on Hillary Clinton's teleprompter?

Hillary's Salad Bar

Political commentators have noted that there are salad bars that manage to draw more people than the typical Hillary Clinton campaign rally. To be completely fair, Hillary has got to taste just awful.

Hillary Values the Truth

The truth is so important to Hillary Clinton that she's been saving it up for later use her whole life.

Hillary 11

Hillary ordered a set of new campaign stage speakers this week. Her speakers lying dials are now set to 11.

Flying Monkeys - Check!

Hillary Clinton has disappeared again, almost exactly like the screeching Wicked Witch of the West in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. The only thing Hillary's missing is the puff of smoke.

Tip o'the pointed hat to Rocky D 

Oral Services for Hillary

Madonna has promised to give oral services to anyone who votes for Hillary Clinton. Bill Clinton told Hillary about the offer, arguing that, "But, Honey, you might need my vote."

IOW, Not Much

Q. How likeable is Hillary Clinton?

A. Even her most fervent supporters despise her. 

Confusion and Desperation

Donald Trump will be campaigning in two states today, Ohio and Florida. Hillary Clinton will also be in two states today, confusion and desperation. 

Tip o'the hat to Jay Leno

Hillary's Walking Dead Congress

Donald Trump announced during his third straight debate victory over Hillary Clinton that he intends to seek a Constitutional Amendment imposing term limits on Congress. By contrast, Hillary Clinton proclaimed that she will impose a Constitutional Amendment by Executive Order allowing members of Congress to continue holding office posthumously.

Hillary's Debate Wins

After Hillary Clinton lost all three debates to Donald Trump, CNN (aka the Clinton News Network) persisted in reporting that she had won three times. What CNN didn't tell you was that she only won Participation Awards.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Hillary's Core

Donald Trump has at least one reason to be appreciative of Hillary Clinton's low information supporters. They have inspired him to eliminate Common Core and bring back real education. 

Hillary's Safe Space

Q. Why was Hillary kinda okay with being in a room full of Catholic priests at the Al Smith dinner? 

A. Because none of her husband's abuse victims were in the front row.

The Smartest Woman in Bizarro World

Hillary Clinton is what a stupid person imagines a smart person to be. 

Hillary Clinton versus Rosie O'Donnell

Donald Trump jokingly compared Hillary Clinton with Rosie O'Donnell at the Al Smith dinner on Thursday night:

"Last night, I called Hillary a 'nasty woman'. This stuff is all relative. After listening to Hillary rattle on and on, I don't think so badly of Rosie O'Donnell anymore. In fact, I'm actually starting to like Rosie a lot."

Hillary begs for Donald Trump's pardon

From Donald Trump's hilarious remarks at the October 20th Al Smith dinner: “We have proven that we can actually be civil toward each other. In fact, before taking the dais, Hillary accidentally bumped into me, and she very civilly said, ‘Pardon me.’ And I very politely replied, 'Let me talk to you about that after I get into office.'” 

Trumps burns Hillary at Al Smith dinner

Donald Trump at the Al Smith dinner, October 20, 2016: "I wasn't really sure if Hillary was going to be here tonight because, I guess, you didn't send her invitation by email. Or maybe you did, and she just found out about it through the wonder of WikiLeaks."

Thursday, October 20, 2016

The Hillary Bowl

Hillary Clinton is the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and then pretends the audience came there to see her.

Hillary and the Special Prosecutor

Hillary Clinton bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and hysterically shrieks, “I just committed treason and sold nuclear secrets to a foreign terrorist group. Make me forget about it before the Special Prosecutor interrogates me!” Her hypnotherapist mutters, “Not again...”

Hillary Clinton's Debate Guest

Q. Why did Hillary Clinton's give Satan a front row seat at the final debate?

A. Because George Soros couldn't make it.

Hillary Clinton's Massage Parlor

Q. Why did Hillary Clinton's massage parlor go out of business? 

A. All the unhappy endings.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Hillary's Oral Issues

Madonna announced at Madison Square Garden on Tuesday night, "If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a b–job,” causing a sudden drop in the polls for Hillary.

Hillary Clinton's No Fly Zone

Hillary Clinton claimed that she was going to establish a No Fly zone in Syria, but she couldn't even maintain a No Fly zone on her face during the debates. 

Hillary and Daytime TV

Donald Trump belongs in the White House. Hillary Clinton belongs on the Jerry Springer show.

Tip o'the hat to Jerry Springer

Hillary XXX

Hillary Clinton is the left's version of a phone sex operator. She just keeps telling them all of the nasty fantasies they want to hear.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Hillary's Prognosis

Anonymous hacked into Hillary's health records. Basically her charts say she shouldn't buy any ripe bananas.

Clintons on a Plane

Hillary Clinton's favorite movie is Snakes on a Plane
Every time she watches it, she roots for the snakes.

Monday, October 17, 2016

A Hurricane of Hatred

Hurricane Matthew is over, but Hurricane Hillary raging about hating "everday Americans" has been upgraded to a Category Five.

Tip o'the hat to Bill Maher

Relative Health

As bad as Hillary's Clinton's physical health is, it's gotta be a lot better than her mental health.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Bernie's Days Are Numbered

Hillary Clinton used her "charity foundation" funds to buy Bernie Sander's new luxury beach house, but he doesn't know that as soon as she loses the election he'll be evicted.

Every Hillary has her Price

Hillary Clinton tried to sell her soul to the devil, but Satan didn't have change for a quarter.

Where Did Hillary's Yoga Pants Go?

Wherever Hillary's yoga pants supposedly went to, it was definitely never to a yoga class.

Debate Fact

Hillary Clinton's appearances at the presidential debates are sponsored by BleachByte. 

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Abraham Lincoln and Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton never apologizes; she's never wrong no matter what lunatic things she claims. She's the female Kanye.

Tip o'the hat to Bill Maher

Hillary's Yoga Pants

Hillary said she had yoga pants, but her pantsuit says she had a bucket of fried chicken.

The Hillary Prophecy

Hillary Clinton claims to be ahead based on her campaign's internal polling, just as the Book of Revelation predicted she would be.

Gimme the Usual

After being battered in the debate in St. Louis, former Presibubba Bill and wannabe Presi-witch Hillary head to the hotel bar and Bill told the waitress, "We'll have the usual." So she brought them a restraining order.

Tip o'the hat to RockyD

Friday, October 14, 2016

Supernatural Hillary

Hillary Clinton recently professed, "I believe in a Goddess." She was talking about herself.

Tip o'the hat to Jay Leno

Deflating Hillary

Trump deflated Hillary's ego so badly in the debate, the NFL just suspended him for four games.

Tip o'the hat to Rocky D

Canadian Bacon

Hillary is polling so badly since losing the last debate that she's started shopping for a mansion in Canada.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Debate Prepping Hillary

Hillary Clinton is so sick that they're going to have to hang fly zappers at the final debate.

Hillary's Regional Support

Hillary Clinton dropped to second place in the Los Angeles Times poll, but she's still ahead in Saudi Arabia. 

Haldol for Hillary

There are Tourette's patients who have more control of their mouths than Hillary Clinton.

Tip o'the hat to Bill Maher

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Read Between the Lines

Hillary's doctor wrote a note stating that, "Ms. Clinton would be the healthiest woman ever elected President." 

A Ruse by any Other Name

Q. What is the only difference between Obamacare and Hillarycare?

A. Hillary.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

It's Not Latin

Hillary Clinton's doctors have finally figured out what's wrong with her. The medical term for it is inter-rectal cranial inversion, which means her head is up her butt. 

Monday, October 10, 2016

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Hillary's Behghazi To Do List

Hillary's Benghazi To Do List:

1) Cover up Benghazi facts
2) Delete emails about Benghazi
3) Forget when testifying about Benghazi
4) Take huge donations from Middle Eastern donors
5) Repeat

Hillary's "Poor" Health

Hillary isn't in poor health. She's in rich but terrible health.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Why Hillary hates Trey Gowdy

Donald Trump plans to defeat Hillary Clinton again in the final debate by painting her as corrupt and incompetent. All he has to do is quote her testimony before Congress.

Hillary and the Catfish #2

Q: What’s the biggest difference between Hillary Clinton and a catfish?

A: One has whiskers and stinks, and the other is a fish.

Tip o'the hat to The Atlantic

Friday, October 7, 2016

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Hillary's First Edition

Hillary Clinton is so old that she knows dinosaur tastes just like chicken.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Eventually It Will Look Like a Tan

Hillary Clinton is so old that her liver spots are covered with other liver spots.