Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Hip Boots Hillary

When Hillary Clinton promises shovel ready jobs, it's time to put on your hip-boots.  

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Monday, August 29, 2016

Hairless Hillary

Hillary Clinton is losing lots of hair, so she asked her staff of doctors how to keep it. One of them suggested that she try a cardboard box.

Hillary's Pedicure Problem

Q. Why does Hillary Clinton have to pay extra for a pedicure?

A. Four paws.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Hillary's Press Conference

Hillary Clinton finally held a press conference. In case you missed it, just imagine a crazy cat lady and multiply it by 100.

Hillary & the Super-Predators

Hillary Clinton has finally apologized for calling all African-Americans "super-predators."  She promised that from now on she will just call them criminal-Americans.

Hillary Clinton's Glasses

Hillary Clinton still doesn't use glasses while she's on the campaign trail.  She just drinks straight out of the bottle.

Rent-to-Own Hillary

Hillary isn't for sale to her Wall Street and Middle Eastern donors, but she does provide them with a Rent-to-Own option. 

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Racist, Racist, Racist

Q. What is a racist?

A. Anyone who posts facts about Hillary Clinton.

Hillary's Shaky Selfie

Hillary is so old that she needs a steady cam to take a selfie.

The Top Three Reasons to Vote for Hillary Clinton

The Top Three Reasons to Vote for Hillary Clinton

  • Hillary promises to let the White House kitchen staff eat any leftovers she doesn't want.
  • Hillary promises to make EBT cards good for beer, wine, and liquor purchases.
  • Hillary promises to make aborted babies tax deductible.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Hillary Wipes

When Hillary was asked by the press if she wiped an email server, she said she used a cleaning cloth. I believe her. She was removing fingerprints.

Hillary's Favorite Game

In Hillary Clinton's special version of Monopoly, the person who gets to play the Government always wins.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Hillary's Spirits

"Hillary says she is not an alcoholic. The ghost of Ted Kennedy is giggling right now."

Tip o'the hat to Rocky D

A Trick Hillary Question

Q. Why did Hillary tell voters the truth?

A. She didn't.

Old Fashioned Hillary

Hillary intends to win general election the old fashioned way.

By stealing it.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

The Smell of Hillary

Hillary Clinton is so crooked that she even sold her Secret deodorant to our enemies.

Pantsuits Payola

The news came out this week that all of Hillary Clinton's outfits were paid for by the Federal Reserve while she was Obama's Secretary of State. It's because her pantsuits are too big to fail.

Hide the Decline

Because of her ghastly appearance, Hillary Clinton has been fighting off questions about her poor health. She's responded by claiming that she is as healthy as ten elderly women.

Prize Winning Hillary Clinton Joke

"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first." - Michelle Wolf

From the Funniest Joke of The Fringe 2016 competition at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Hillary and the Pickle Proof

Hillary Clinton made an appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Live program this week and opened a jar of pickles to prove that she hasn't been having seizures. She plans to return to the program next week to open a jar of mayonnaise as proof that she didn't lie to the FBI about her illegal email server.

Hillary Accidentally Tells the Truth

Hillary's brown pantsuit makes her look like a walking cow pie. That's called "truth in advertising."

Hillary is not an alcoholic

Hillary isn't an alcoholic. She's quit drinking dozens of time.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Hillary and the Do Not Call List

Hillary Clinton announced that her campaign is exempt from the "Do Not Call List" rules. She still has a problem though. Most voters have her on their "We Don't Believe You" list. 

Hillary Not Born Yesterday

Hillary Rotten Clinton wasn't born yesterday. If she was just born yesterday, she probably wouldn't be rotten yet.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Money Makes the Hillary Go Round

Hillary Clinton, in an interview on CNN, lectured the country on the need to get money out of politics. However, she had to repeatedly interrupt the interview to take calls from Middle East donors. 

A Hillary by any other name...

People need to to quit calling Hillary a jackass. 
A she-ass is called a Jenny, not a Jack.

A Hillary Campaign Expense

Hillary Clinton got cosmetic surgery before running for starting her run for President. That's where her plastic smile comes from.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Ethics and Hillary Don't Mix

It is being reported that Hillary Clinton never took any of the mandated ethics training required by the State Department. She claims that, as an expert in evading the law, she didn't need to.

Hillarycare Exhumed

Many people don't realize that the failed Obamacare program was almost entirely stolen from a much earlier medical takeover plan promoted by Hillary Clinton back in the 1990's. In fact, if she is elected President, Hillary pledges to replace Obamacare with her newly revised and improved Hillarycare system offering:

  • Jack Daniels for anesthesia 
  • Planned Parenthood nurseries
  • Medical degrees by mail  
  • A tax on undonated kidneys

Hillary's Potemkin Convention

Wikileaks revealed that Hillary filled the DNC convention with paid fake delegates. They even got a bonus if they could make it through her acceptance speech without falling asleep.

Friday, August 19, 2016

The Odds on Hillary

Bookmakers are currently offfering 7/6 odds that Hillary Clinton will win the election. They also have her down at 3/1 odds to go to prison before the inauguration. 

Hillary & the Social Security Lockbox

Hillary Clinton pledged that she'll protect the Social Security lockbox, just as if it was her very own email server.

Hillary and the 2nd Amendment People

Hillary says there are too many guns in the hands of the workers. Gun owners say there are too many Clintons with their hands in our pockets.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Hillary's New Stool

Hillary is so excited about the possibility of returning to the White House that she's already shopping for her Oval Office stool.

The Voices in Hillary's Head

Hillary is so confused lately that her staff will have to do voiceovers for her during the debates. 

Good Luck, Bad Luck

If Hillary Clinton breaks a mirror it's good luck. It's only if she breaks a wine glass that she gets 7 years bad luck.

Hillary's Night Out

A trembling old drunk staggers into a bar and falls face down on the floor. The bartender says, "And what'll you be having tonight, Hillary?"

What's in a Name?

If the DNC becomes any more corrupt they'll have to rename it the Clinton Foundation.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

The Stuff of Nightmares

Q. What does Freddy Krueger dream about when he's having a nightmare?

A. Hillary Clinton.

Hillary's Asbetos Pants

Q. Why does Hillary wear an asbetos pantsuit?

A. Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

EBT Hillary

Hillary Clinton has developed a plan for reforming the Food Stamp Program. 

Edible EBT cards.

How Old is Hillary?

Hillary is so old that her stretch marks have wrinkles.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Pay Me

Bernie Sanders is on a campaign to bring down the corrupt payday loan industry. Hillary Clinton has a more direct approach to the issue. If she is elected President, American families will have fewer paydays.

Pay Up, Hillary!

Hillary Clinton bragged that she broke a glass ceiling when her superdelegates rigged the primaries and nominated her to run for President. Donald Trump responded that he will fix the broken ceiling. And he'll make Hillary pay for it. 

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Healthless Hillary

Hillary Clinton's medical staff held a press conference to refute the growing public concern that she is seriously ill. They explained that she is just extremely healthless. 

When Does Hillary Shut Up?

Q. Does Hillary Clinton ever shut up? 

A. When she's under oath.

Hillary and the Bernie followers

Bernie Sanders' former supporters have mixed feelings about Hillary Clinton becoming President. Some of them hate the idea, while the others despise it. 

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Video: Hillary Clinton Statement On Health by Mike Cernovich

Loren Feldman and Mike Cernovich have made a hilarious video on Hillary's health scandal. Enjoy!

Space, the Final Frontier

Under then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, ISIS was fully contained. To planet Earth. 

Hillary's Curtains

Donald Trump wants to build a border protection wall. Not to be outdone, Hillary Clinton has announced that she wants to build an Iron Curtain.

Hillary Jokes about Raising Taxes

After Hillary Clinton announced that, "We are going to raise taxes on the middle class," her defenders quickly explained  that she was only joking. But not really.

Clinton and Cruz

Timothy Kaine is doing so badly on the campaign trail that Hillary Clinton has been thinking of replacing Kaine with a Hispanic running mate. When Bill Clinton heard what Hillary was up to, he suggested Penélope Cruz.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Hillary Cares

Hillary Clinton cares about more than just the dollars she has been raking in while selling influence and access. She also cares about Japanese yen, United Arab Emirates dirhams, Saudi Arabian riyals, and Chinese yuans.

Hillary's Sexy Picture

Hillary Clinton tried to embarrass Donald Trump by circulating a sexy picture of his wife. Clinton knew The Donald couldn't strike back, because there are definitely no sexy pictures of Hillary.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Rent to Own

Critics of Hillary Clinton have accused her of being bought by foreign donors, but that charge simply isn't true. Hillary's foreign donors are just renting her.

Historic Hillary

Hillary Clinton's election as President of the United States would be historic. The very first two-impeachment family. 

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

He's Making a List, He's Checking it Twice...

Q. Why hasn't President Obama issued a pardon to his former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton yet?

A. He's still trying to compile a list of all of her crimes. 

Hefty Hillary

Hillary Clinton has been putting on lots more weight during the primaries. She only needs to add five more pounds until she can run for Governor of New Jersey.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Hillary's Assault Silverware

Blaming the Second Amendment for violence is like blaming forks for Hillary Clinton's pantsuit being too tight!

Heavy Duty Golf Carts

Hillary's donors have become concerned that her antics on the campaign trail are been hurting her election chances, so they've ordered her to learn how to show some presidential behavior.  She responded to their demands by asking Obama to teach her how to play golf.

Fly With Her

Q. Why does Hillary always fly in widebody jets? 

A. Her broom can't lift her anymore.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Hillary Hates Bacon

Hillary Clinton doesn't eat bacon, leading to false conspiracy theories about her secretly being a Muslim just like Barack Obama. In fact, she is just showing professional courtesy to the pigs. 

Hillary's funny "Steves" joke

According to ABC News, Hillary Clinton told a hilarious joke about Donald Trump's economic advisers, claiming that they are all named "Steve." (By contrast, Hillary's advisers are all Jacks and Daniels.)

Hillary is NOT Hitler

The Internet is full of people claiming the Hillary is exactly the same as Hitler, but that just isn't true. Hitler didn't shave his mustache.  

Sunday, August 7, 2016

The Ultimate Feminist

Hillary Clinton got her power the old fashioned way. She married into it.

Hillary Favored in Battleground States

Hillary Clinton is extremely popular in a number of important battleground states, including Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Syria, and Iran.

Fool Me Hillary

If you fool a man once, shame on you.

If you fool a man twice, shame on him. 

If you fool a man three times, he must be a Hillary Clinton supporter.

So Lifelike

Hillary is so old that her campaign hired a mortician for a make-up artist. 

It's her party, and she'll cry if she wants to...

Hillary Clinton held an open-bar party celebrating her destruction of Bernie Sanders. Things were going great until Lindsey Graham showed up wearing the same pantsuit. 

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Hillary's Big Book of Bull

Hillary Clinton's autobiography was actually ghostwritten by Bill Ayers. 

That's why it bombed.  

Trusting Hillary

Trusting Hillary Clinton with America's nuclear codes would be like trusting Bill Cosby to cater your daughter's birthday party.

Hillary's Short Circuit

Hillary Clinton explained to the press that her constant lying about her illegal email servers was due to her having experienced a "short circuit." However, she also reassured them that there will be nothing to worry about going forward, because she is having the circuit lengthened.

History Herstory

Benjamin Franklin said, "A penny saved is a penny earned." 

Hillary Clinton says, "Thanks for the penny."

Hillary's FBI Lies

Hillary Clinton: "The FBI has confirmed that everything I've said has been the truth!"

The FBI: "No, we didn't."

Hillary Clinton: "You liars!"

Hillary Upset

Hillary Clinton held an open-bar party celebrating her destruction of Bernie Sanders. Things were going great until Lindsey Graham showed up wearing the same pantsuit.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Definitely Not Cinderella

Q: What is horribly corrupt and wears glass slippers? 

A: Hillary Clinton. (Okay, I made up the part about the glass slippers.)

Hillary's Big Tent

People have been claiming that Hillary's yuge jackets are from Omar the tentmaker. That's not true. His name is actually Akbar.

Hillary Clinton Makes a Funny

When her superdelegates delivered the Democrat nomination to Hillary Clinton she announced to the convention, "The people have spoken." Then she laughed for the next five minutes.

Twerking Hillary

Q. Why was Hillary Clinton twerking?

A. She was making a failed attempt to put on skinny jeans.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Vote in Peace

Q: What do you call granite buildings full of Hillary Clinton voters? 

A: Mausoleums.


Hillary Clinton has the Bill of Rights printed on her toilet paper.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Hillary Empire

In the old Roman Empire the average citizen worked 2 days to pay a year of taxes. 

In the Hillary Empire the average citizen will work 2 days to pay a week of taxes.

10 things more trustworthy than Hillary

1. Newspaper horoscopes
2. Taco Bell taco "meat"
3. Homeopathic "medicine"
4. Tapwater in Flint Michigan
5. Boiler room telemarketers
6. Email from Nigerian Princes
7. Pyramid schemes
8. Chain letters
9. "Free" vacations 
10. "Penny" auctions

That's Her Story and She's Sticking To It

A reporter asked Hillary Clinton how old she was. "I'm 39 years old," she answered. The reporter replied, "But you said the same thing 39 years ago!"  Hillary snapped, "Then I haven't changed my position, have I?"

PC Coffee 4 Hillary

Hillary Clinton is so politically correct that she orders coffee "African-American" instead of "black." 

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Three Hillarys In One

A grifter, a socialist, and an alcoholic walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hello, Hillary." 

No Armani, No Prison

Q. Why won't Hillary Clinton go to jail?

A. They don't have Armani prison uniforms.

Hillary and the 3 a.m. call

Hillary Clinton announced that she will be ready for any 3 a.m. phone calls that may come her way as President. She'll set them up to transfer to her regular bar.

Monday, August 1, 2016

The President Hillary Clinton Jokes eBook

How to Bill Bill

When asked how a Bill Clinton should be addressed in a Hillary White House, Hillary Clinton said, "First dude, first mate, first gentleman — I'm just not sure about it.”*** 

I'm not sure what he should be called either, but it definitely ain't first "gentleman."

***Actual quote

The Official Drink of the Hillary Campaign

I know what you're thinking, but Kool-Aid is NOT the official drink of the Hillary Clinton campaign. 

She has her own special blend.