Sunday, July 31, 2016

The Milk Carton Treatment

Some Bernie delegates claimed that Hillary Clinton's primary election results were rigged. 

Q. You know what they called those delegates at the DNC convention? 

A. Missing. 

Watch Out For Hillary

Q: If Hillary Clinton gets elected President, how will every Hillary joke start? 

A: By carefully looking over both shoulders. 

Hillary's Second Amendment Amendment

Hillary says it's silly to think that she wants to take away all of our weapons of self-defense. She just wants the submachine guns, assault weapons, rifles, shotguns, semi-automatic pistols, revolvers, CO2-powered airguns, and slingshots made with surgical tubing.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Hard Labor Hillary

Hillary Clinton got a big labor endorsement this week. 

It was from slave labor camp organizers in Communist China.

Hillary Cracks the Glass Ceiling

Hillary acceptance speech for the Democrat Party nomination cracked the glass ceiling. Because of her voice. 

Hillary Got Hacked Again

Hillary got hacked again, so: 
  1. I guess her new 1234 password isn't cutting it. 
  2. Moving her illegal server from the bathroom into the basement doesn't seem to have done the trick. 
  3. By all means, let's give Hillary our nuclear launch codes.

Nap Time With Hillary

Q. Why couldn't Bill Clinton stay awake during his wife's acceptance speech at the Democrat National Convention? 

A. He's heard all of her bullcrap before.

Friday, July 29, 2016

The Day After Hillary Loses

The day after Hillary loses, her speech fee drops to $20. 

The day after Hillary loses, Huma dumps her. 

The day after Hillary loses, Comey reopens the case.

The day after Hillary loses, Ted Cruz flees to Canada.

The day after Hillary loses, she pawns the Armani jacket.

The day after Hillary loses, Bernie releases the tapes.

The day after Hillary loses, the bar cuts off her tab.

The day after Hillary loses, the Clinton Foundation gets audited.

The day after Hillary loses, Chelsea gets fired.

The day after Hillary loses, Twitter bans her.

Hillary's Middle Finger

Chelsea Lyons Kent, a Hawaii delegate to the Democrat convention, was stripped of her credentials after she stuck up her middle finger on national TV. Actually, she was just repeating Hillary's speech in sign language for any hearing impaired members of the audience. 

Prophet Profits

Q. What is the only thing that could turn Hillary Clinton against our nation's enemies?

A. Bounced contribution checks.

Hillary's Mini-Me

The Hill (blog) is praising Tim Kaine for his "transparency" in office. That's kinda true. Kaine always made it absolutely clear to his buyers that he was open to taking payoffs in return for political favors.

Hillary Clinton's Nomination Acceptance Speech

How dishonest was Clinton's nomination acceptance speech? 

Every word Hillary said was a lie, including "and" and "the".

With apologies to Mary McCarthy

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Who Said Crime Doesn't Pay?

Whoever said that crime doesn't pay obviously never met Hillary Clinton.

Geeks Will Get It

Q. How is fact-checking Hillary Clinton's lies like stalking Pidgeys on the Pokémon Go app?

A. There's no way you'll ever catch all of them.

The Hillary of Peace

Why is it that the only time Hillary Clinton gives one of her "Religion of Peace" speeches is right after a mass murder?

The Hillary Knock! Knock! Joke

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Hillary Clinton.

Delete your account!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

An Easy Question

Q. How did Hillary Clinton come to be known as The Smartest Woman in the World?

A. She lied about it.

Hot Time in the City

It’s so hot at the DNC convention in Philadelphia that even Hillary Clinton is sticking to her story.

Tip o'the hat to Rocky D 

Hillary and the Ice Bucket Challenge

Q. Why has Hillary Clinton refused to take the ALS "Ice Bucket Challenge"? 

A. She'd melt.

See No Evil

Q: How could Hillary Clinton keep the Russians from reading her e-mail? 

A: By renaming the folder "My Naked Pictures." 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Misfortune and Tragedy

Q. What is the difference between a misfortune and a tragedy?

A. Misfortune is when a donor's luxury yacht sinks with Hillary Clinton on board. Tragedy is if she has a life jacket on. 

A Tribute to Hillary Clinton

The 2016 DNC convention was under way in the City of Philadelphia, presided over by a new chairperson, replacing one thrown under the bus the day before. At the conclusion of the convention, a tribute to Comrade Hillary was called for. Of course, everyone stood up (just as they had leaped to their feet during the convention with every mention of her name). The convention center echoed with 'stormy applause, rising to an ovation.' For three minutes, four minutes, five minutes, the 'stormy applause, rising to an ovation,' continued.

But palms were getting sore and raised arms were already aching. And the older delegates were panting from exhaustion. It was becoming insufferably silly even to those who feared Hillary Clinton.

However, who would dare to be the first to stop? Bernie Sanders could have done it. He was standing on the platform, and it was he who had just called for the ovation. But he was an outsider. He was afraid! After all, Hillary's thugs were standing in the hall applauding and watching to see who would quit first!

The terrified delegates and reporters continued to applaud — six, seven, eight minutes! At the rear of the convention center, which was crowded, they could of course cheat a bit, clap less frequently, less vigorously, not so eagerly — but up there in front where everyone could see them?

Bernie Sanders, who had posed to his follower as an independent and strong-minded man, stood with the Hillary and her cronies. Nine minutes! Ten! In anguish he watched the DNC chairperson, but the latter dared not stop. Insanity! To the last man, woman, and transgender!

With make-believe enthusiasm on their faces, looking at each other with faint hope, the delegates were just going to go on and on applauding till they fell where they stood, till they were carried out of the hall on stretchers!

Then, after eleven minutes, an exhausted Bernie Sanders collapsed. And, oh, a miracle took place! Where had the universal, uninhibited, indescribable enthusiasm gone? To a delegate, everyone else stopped dead and sat down. They had been saved.

That same night Bernie Sanders was arrested. They easily pasted ten years on him on the pretext of something quite different. But after he had signed his confession, the final document of the interrogation, his interrogator reminded him: "Don’t ever be the first to stop applauding!"

With apologies to Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.

Hillary and the Hyenas

"The Heckler," a comedy website owned by TBS, posted a video of cackling Hillary Clinton with hyenas shrieking  in the background. In response to hysterical complaints, TBS quickly pulled the offending video and offered up a craven apology for having created it. 

There is no word yet on whether or not the hyenas have accepted the apology.

Hillary's Hangover Cure

Hillary Clinton is so old that she used take St. Joseph aspirin made by St. Joseph. 

Monday, July 25, 2016

Hillary VP Auditions Open

With the Democrat nomination already secured by her "superdelegate" count, Hillary Clinton turned her attention to the search for a vice presidential to fill out the ticket. All potential VP candidates had to submit their applications fees by cashier's checks, and they also had to be vetted by the Saudi Secret Service to ensure that they are Halal. 

Hillary's Veep Speaks

Q. Why did Tim Kaine make a bilingual speech in English and Spanish?

A. Because he doesn't know Saudi.

First Things First

Q: When Hillary Clinton has to testify under oath, when will she first commit perjury?

A: When she’s sworn in.

That Ain't Right

Q: What do you call Hillary's latest campaign promise? 

A: False. 

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Hillary Clinton used to be hot!

Hillary is so old that she used to be hot, back in the days before they invented air conditioning. 

Solid as Hillary

Hillary Clinton was abroad collecting "charitable donations" from various drug cartels when she was stricken with a terrible case of diarrhea. Her staff called a doctor, who asked what seemed to be wrong with her. They told him, "We think she's melting."

Stop The Nukes

Hillary Clinton has called for a law banning American citizens from possessing nuclear weapons, despite there being no evidence of anyone actually having one. Her law calls for all confiscated nuclear weapons to be transferred to the Saudi Arabian government. 

What Else?

Q. What did Hillary Clinton say when she bumped into President Obama?

A. Please pardon me.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Hillary's Second Choice

Q. Why did Hillary Clinton pick Timothy Kaine as her running mate?

A. Because Satan turned her down.


Q. How does Hillary Clinton intend to encourage the growth of small businesses?

A. By turning all of America's large successful businesses into small struggling ones. 

Hungry Hungry Hillary

Don't make fat jokes at the expense of Hillary Clinton. 
She'll eat you. 

Hillary Can Light Up a Room

Donald Trump lights up a room with his presence. 
Hillary Clinton can light up a room by leaving it.

The Devil Wears Prada

But only when her Armani is at the cleaners.

Gender Neutral Hillary

Hillary Clinton's favorite gender neutral pronoun is Comrade.

Timothy Kaine = Imitate Honky

Hillary Clinton needs to up her appeal to common folk, so she picked Timothy Kaine as her VP after learning that his anagram is Imitate Honky.

Why Did Hillary Pick Tim Kaine?

Bill had to force her to choose Tim Kaine. Hillary wanted Jack Daniels or Jim Beam.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Hillary's Philosophy of Life

Q: According to Hillary Clinton, when does a fetus first become a human being? 

A: When it can donate money to her. 

Inspired by Ghostbusters

After she loses the election, Hillary plans on becoming the new Pillsbury Doughgirl.

The Godmother

Q. How did Hillary Clinton finally get Bernie Sanders to drop out the race for President?

A. She had a decapitated unicorn's head put in his bed while he slept.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Hillary, Friend of the Worker

Q: Will Hillary permit at least some American workers to keep their jobs if she's elected President? 

A: Of course.  Somebody has pay to her taxes. 

The Growth of Hillary

Hillary's New Year's Resolution was to lose 50 pounds for her campaign this year. She only has 65 pounds to go. 

Hillary Has a Bridge to Sell You

Hillary Clinton launched a Twitter attack on Chris Christie, writing that if you think that Governor Christie "can lecture anyone on ethics, we have a bridge to sell you.” An aide urgently whispered to Hillary to remind her that she already sold that bridge. Several times.

Hillary Has a Question

Hillary Clinton asked, "Why do people instantly hate me?"

Donald Trump replied, "They're just saving some time.”

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

25 Hillary So Old Jokes

Hillary Clinton is so old that:

1. She wears a Hillary mask on Halloween.

2. Eve got the apple from her.

3. The Book of Revelations was written about her.

4. The star she was born under burned out.

5. She drinks embalming fluid.

6. Monkeys evolved from her.

7. Her slave plantation burned down during the Civil War.

8. Her autobiography’s copyright ran out.

9. Her stem cells are bacteria.

10. Her blood type expired.

11. She knew Anthony Weiner as a Vienna Sausage.

12. Her living bra died.

13. Her birthday cake candles caused Global Warming.

14. Her liver spots have liver spots.

15. She's built up a resistance to Botox.

16. Her cankles have more rings that redwood trees.

17. She holds the original patent on lying to voters.

18. Her wisdom teeth are senile.

19. Her makeup kit includes stucco.

20. Her campaign walker has an oxygen tank.

21. Her teeth don't sleep with her anymore.

22. She has a hoveround limousine.

23. Sir Edmund Hillary was named after her.

24. They no longer have parts for her.

25. Her kidney stones are fossilized.

Heavy Duty History

Hillary Clinton was the fattest First Lady in history. 
Except for the lady part.

Hillary Demands That Illegals Register

In response to Donald Trump's proposals to protect our borders and our nation's sovereignty, Hillary Clinton has also proposed new restrictions on illegal aliens. They will all have just 90 days to register as Democrats or face deportation. 

Hillary So Fat

At her latest checkup, Hillary Clinton's physician warned her that her excessive weight was putting her health at serious risk. Hillary said that it wasn't her fault, obesity just runs in her family. The doctor replied, "The problem is that nobody runs in your family."

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Hillary and BLM

Hillary Clinton is walking back her earlier endorsement of BLM. She now claims she thought it was the Bureau of Land Management.

Half Full of Hillary

Hillary isn't fat, she's just half as tall as she should be.

The Very Silent Majority

Hillary Clinton is depending on a Silent Majority to deliver her the Presidency. You might call them her Silent as the Grave Majority. 

Hillary's Beauty Secret

Hillary goes bra-less to pull wrinkles out of her face.

Hillary's Pokemon Go Joke

Hillary actually told the following joke on the campaign trail, “I don’t know who created Pokemon Go… but I’m tryin’ to figure out how we get them to have Pokemon Go To The Polls!” Hillary's staff is reportedly at work on a Super Mario Brothers joke they expect to have ready for her sometime in the next couple of weeks. 

Monday, July 18, 2016

A Rising Tide

Hillary is so fat that the water in the toilet rises when she sits in the bath. 

Hillary's Pillars of Support

There are just two types of Hillary Clinton supporters out there. First there are her donors, and then there are the suckers.

Hillary's Mug Shot

When she finally gets arrested, if Hillary Clinton is allowed to take her own mugshot it will be a cellfie. 

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Who Trusts Hillary?

Hillary Clinton is once again denying the documents foreign governments got from her illegal server were classified. Hillary argues, "If all that information was really top secret, why in the world would they have trusted me with it?"

The Hillary Riddle

It's said there is a beautiful woman inside every fat ugly one. 

So who did Hillary eat? 

Hillary Christmas

Little children believe in Santa Claus. If they never grow up, they'll eventually believe in Hillary Clinton instead.

Shut Up, She Explained

The Supreme Court's famous Citizens United decision upheld freedom of political speech. Hillary Clinton just held a furious press conference calling for a constitutional amendment to overturn the decision. "Shut up," she explained.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

The Best Daily Kos Donald Trump Joke in History!

Diogenes Bartleby of the Daily Kos joked that people should call The Donald by the nickname “Donald ‘Bing, bing, bong bong’ Trump because he has funny noises in his head. 

Hillary Changed Things

Hillary Clinton has changed the way we watch television. Before Hillary came along, we just made do with laughing at comedians.  Now we can laugh at Hillary too.

Hillary at the Republican Convention

Bill Maher said that you could get Hillary Clinton to speak at the RNC convention in Cleveland for $200,000. That's true, but only if Saudi Arabia gives her permission first.

Biden Her Time

Hillary Clinton should choose Joe Biden for her vice presidential running mate. It would make a great bumper sticker: Dumb/Dumber 2016

Medusa for President

Every time Hillary interviews possible VPs they turn into stone when they look at her face. 

Tip o'the hat to Rocky D

Friday, July 15, 2016

Building on Barack's legacy

Barack Obama infamously scolded our nation, "You didn't build that." 

Hillary Clinton has a different approach. She just says, "I'm going to take that."

Other People's Money

When Hillary Clinton heard that France's socialist President Francois Hollande spends  $11 thousand dollars a month for haircuts, she  bragged, "That's just chump change! I spend twice that much every month having my back shaved."

Thursday, July 14, 2016

The Hillary Clinton Drinking Game

The rules for the Hillary Clinton Drinking Game are pretty simple:
  1. Take a drink every time Hillary tells a lie.
  2. Pass out after five minutes.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Bloodsuckers Beware

Q. How much of an alcoholic is Hillary Clinton?

A. Mosquitoes get drunk from biting her.

American Exports

Hillary Clinton announced that she has a solution for workers in China taking over so many American jobs. If she is elected President, she'll start exporting American working people to Chinese slave camps. 

The Most Interesting Man In The World Said...

I don't always keep up with politics, but when I do, I laugh at Hillary Clinton.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Hillary in Space

A recent poll showed that 5% of Americans thought Hillary Clinton was honest. That's the same percentage of Americans that believes in UFOs.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Hillary Proof

Bad news for Hillary Clinton at her last medical checkup. 

The doctor found traces of blood in her alcohol.

Hillary's Fake Reality

If Hillary Clinton once again fails to get elected President, she intends to have her own reality TV show. It will be fictional, of course. 

Hillary and the Minimum Rage

Hillary Clinton this week raged that Donald Trump wants to get rid of the federal minimum wage. By contrast, Hillary wants to get rid of all minimum wage jobs.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Why isn't Hillary behind bars?

Q. Why isn't Hillary Clinton behind bars?

A. Bartenders are behind bars. Alcoholics are on the other side.

Hillary's Liposuction

Hillary Clinton just scheduled a liposuction session on her butt through ObamaCare. The healthcare system is expected to go bankrupt immediately afterwards.

The Search for Hillary Clinton's Soul

According to Hillary Clinton, the vice presidential decision-making process involves a lot of soul-searching. Unfortunately for Hillary, she doesn't have one. 

Saturday, July 9, 2016

The Hillary Parade

Hillary Clinton's excuses for giving top secret information to our enemies were pretty colorful. After all, her explanations raised more red flags than a Soviet military parade. 

Disappearing Hillary

Hillary Clinton just called a press conference to deny that she had signed all of her official Secretary of State documents with disappearing ink.

Hillary's Halloween Mask #2

Hillary Clinton just found the perfect mask to wear for Halloween this year. It's transparent.

What's worse than a fly in Hillary Clinton's soup?

Q. What's worse than a fly in Hillary Clinton's soup?

A. Hillary Clinton. 

Friday, July 8, 2016

Quality versus Quantity

"The FBI and the Attorney General say no charges will be filed against Hillary Ramrod'm. So she escaped AGAIN. David Copperfield just offered Hillary $5 million for her secret. FBI director James Comey said Hillary did not INTEND any harm. In a related story, the FBI just nominated Bill Cosby for sainthood. Hillary talked to the FBI for over 3 hours. By comparison, George Washington's first State Of The Union speech was 90 seconds long." 

"Just goes to show you; if you're never going to lie to the American people, there's not much to say."

Tip o'the hat to Rocky D

The Two Trees

Thomas Jefferson said that the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. By contrast, Hillary Clinton refreshes her money tree with the blood of Jihad victims. 

Is Hillary good in bed?

Q. Is Hillary good in bed?

A. Nope. She's not good anywhere.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Swillary Clinton

Hillary went to the liquor store and demanded, "Give me a quart of whiskey!" The clerk asked her, "Do you have a container?" Hillary snapped back at him, "You're talking to her!"

Hillary's Two Pints

Q. How serious is Hillary Clinton's alcoholism?

A. Who knows? She always takes the fifth. 

Standing Over Her Record

Hillary Clinton has announced that she will stand on her record as Secretary of State, so long as she can completely cover it up with the shadow of her pantsuit. 

Hillary's Expensive Speeches

Hillary Clinton has come under fire for her $200,000+ a pop "speech" fees. However, she promises to stop if she is elected President, because once she's in the Oval Office she'll be able to sell pardons instead.  

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Free College Degrees

Hillary Clinton announced that she intends to give away free tuition at public colleges for all students from families making under $85,000. (Eventually rising to $125,000.) Also, if every member of the student's household is a registered Democrat, the student can even skip going to class. Hillary will just send them a four-year degree by overnight mail. 

Hillary Loves the Little Children

Hillary Clinton wants women to conceive lots of little children. Where else can Planned Parenthood get parts to sell?

aka Hillary High School

Hillary Clinton just rolled out her new Bernie Sander's inspired education plan. The program provides free college tuition for students from families making less than $125,000 per year. As an incentive for academic excellence, all qualified students who maintain a 1.0 grade point average will, in addition to free tuition, receive a free school vegetarian breakfast and lunch every day. 

Inclusive Hillary

Hillary Clinton has pledged to end the divisiveness in the federal government. Hillary intends to take a more bipartisan approach by embracing both the left and the far left. 

Big and Fat

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton have such a fat head? 

A: To hold her big mouth. 

Tip o'the hat to Carlos for the contribution.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

The Reason for the Treason

Q. What's the difference between "extremely careless" and "gross negligence"?

A. Twenty years.

The Nigerian Princess

Wanna know the real reason Hillary Clinton erased all of the emails off of her illegal server? Where do you think that all of those Nigerian Prince emails were coming from?

Hillary's Healthcare Provider

Did you hear that Hillary Clinton just lost her ObamaCare primary healthcare provider? She's reportedly extremely upset. He was the best vet Hillary ever had.

The Lingering Legacy

The Washington Times has reported that Barack is joining Hillary on the campaign trail in order to protect his legacy. It's actually a good move on Obama's part. If anyone could match his legacy of incompetence and corruption in office, Hillary Clinton is the one.

The Lesson of Benhazi

After Benghazi, it's clear that guns don't kill people. 

Hillary kills people.

Monday, July 4, 2016

The Statue of Hillary

Q. Why would President Hillary Clinton send the Statue of Liberty back to France? 

A. We wouldn't have any use for it if she was elected. 

Short But Not Sweet

Q: What is the shortest book ever written?  

A: The Wisdom of Hillary Clinton.

Everybody Knows

The Benghazi investigation just proved that Hillary Clinton lied about everything. Hillary's defense is that the investigators didn't really find anything new, because everyone already knows she's a liar.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

ET & Hillary

Hillary Clinton wants to expand the search for extraterrestrial lifeforms, and then register them to vote.  

Butt Kissing

Q: Why is the media okay with always kissing the backside of Hillary's pantsuit? 

A: Because after eight years of Barack Obama, they're used to the stench of corruption.

There Are Some Things Hillary Won't Do

Q: What do you call it when Hillary Clinton stands up for America? 

A: Who knows?  It's never happened.

Gimme That Vote!

On election day, be sure to give your vote to Hillary Clinton. If you don't, she's just going to take it anyway. 

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Hillary Drinking

Hillary Clinton's out-of-control drinking and several drunken public appearances have hurt her election chances, so she announced that she will finally stop drinking for good. From now on, Hillary will only drink for evil. 

Vice President Al Franken

Al Franken is being vetted as a possible Vice Presidential running mate for Hillary Clinton. This surprise choice for veep was made right after Hillary learned that the two of them wear the same brand of adult diapers.

Hillary the Firearms Salesman

The NRA claims that Hillary Clinton is opposed to guns, but that's just not entirely true. As Secretary of State, Hillary routinely approved arms sales to terrorist countries that "donated" to her Clinton Foundation.

Hillary's Disability

Q. Why has all of Hillary's money come from bribes and assorted political payola?

A. It's not her fault.  She has a earning disability. 

Friday, July 1, 2016

Hillary's Body Double(s)

Q. Why does Hillary Clinton have two body doubles?

A. It takes at least two to fill her pantsuit.  

Quantity over Quality

Hillary Clinton has never made one honest dollar in her life, but she makes up for it in volume, with the millions of dishonest ones she's received. 

Hillary and the Game of Thrones

Q: Why can't Clinton be a Cersei Lannister?
A: Because Hillary never pays her debts.