Saturday, April 30, 2016

Hillary Clinton Likes to Watch

Hillary Clinton got all of her foreign policy positions from watching television - the  Al Jazeera Media Network.

Bottoms Up, Hillary

Guccifer, the Romanian hacker who exposed Hillary Clinton's confidential emails, didn't stop with the top secret stuff. He also discovered that Hillary has her local liquor store at the top of her speed dial list.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Hillary Clinton's Joker

Hillary Clinton has released her very own "Woman Card" for distribution to her supporters. 

It's a joker.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Hillary Clinton, the Millenial

Ever since Bernie Sanders declared himself to be an honorary woman, Hillary has been looking for a way to pay him back and to grab off some of his youthful supporter. Today she revealed her sure-fire scheme; she declared herself to be an honorary millennial. 

Sorry, Hillary, being a thousand years old doesn't make you a millennial. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The Hillary Clinton WomanCard

Hillary Clinton's WomanCard: 

  • Gets you cash back on every abortion
  • A Get Out of Prison Free card
  • Accepted by super-delegates everywhere 
  • Is actually just a social construct

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Monday, April 25, 2016

Mistaken Identity

Hillary Clinton was being driven to a rural campaign stop one night when a pig ran right in front of her campaign limousine. Her driver tried his best to avoid hitting it, but the old pig was struck ans killed. Hillary ordered her driver to walk to the nearby farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened to their pig. 

Several minutes passed before the driver staggered back to the car holding a half empty jug of moonshine, his faced smeared with lipstick. “What the devil happened to you?” hissed Hillary. Her driver replied, “The farmer gave me a jug of moonshine whiskey and his wife smothered me with kisses.” Hillary demanded to know, “Why in the world did they do that?” The driver answered, “I don’t know. I just told that I was Hillary Clinton’s chauffeur and the old sow was dead.” 

Sunday, April 24, 2016

A Temporary Solution at Best

Hillary Clinton told Bill that their relationship was stifling and that she needed more personal space, so Bill locked her outside the White House.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Let's make a Deal

Hillary was up late one night dreaming of her triumphant return to the White House when Satan appeared before her in a puff of acrid smoke. Satan entreated her, “I have a proposition for you, Hillary. I will make you the first woman President of the United States, but in return you will have to surrender your soul.” Hillary thought about it for a moment and replied, “So, what’s the catch?”

Friday, April 22, 2016

Hillary Clinton's Tongues

Future First Lady Melania Trump is fluent in four tongues, English, French, Italian, and German. By contrast, former First "Lady" Hillary Clinton only speaks one language, but she does it with a forked tongue.   

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Hard Time

On his wedding anniversary, Bill Clinton was sitting in a bar looking very down in the dumps. “What's the matter?” asked one of his hot girlfriends. Bill sadly answered, “Well, a week after getting married I decided to kill my wife, but my lawyer told me that I would get 25 years in prison. I would be a free man by now.”

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

The Imperfect Pair

The Chaplain of the United Sates Senate become critically ill and was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. On his way to the emergency room, the Chaplain asked for Hillary Clinton and Ted Cruz to ride with him to hospital. The two Senators, eager for a photo op, climbed into the ambulance and pretended look concerned. Finally, curiosity got the best of Cruz, who asked the Chaplain why he wanted Hillary and himself next to him. The Chaplain explained to the two Senators that he had always hoped to die between a pair of thieves, just like Jesus did.

Monday, April 18, 2016

The bark, the whole bark, and nothing but the bark

Hillary Clinton has been criticized for barking like a dog at her campaign appearances. Her critics should realize that at least when she's barking she's not telling any lies. 

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Hillary's Brother

One terrible day the devil himself arrived on Earth. Everyone who saw him ran away screaming in terror, except for one man who stood calmly in the devil’s path. Satan demanded, “Bow down before me. Don't you know who I am?”  “Sure do,” the man calmly answered. Satan asked, “Then why aren't you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “Because I’m Bill Clinton. I'm married to your sister.”

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Who Killed Kenny?

Hillary was posing for campaign photos at an elementary school class when a little boy named Kenny raised his hand and asked, “Why did you lie about Benghazi?” Just then the bell rang and the students were told they would continue after recess. When the students got back from recess, Hillary asked, “Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right.... question time. Who has a question?” A little girl raised her hand and said, “I have two questions. Why did you lie about Benghazi? And where's Kenny?”

Friday, April 15, 2016

Fact checking Hillary

The Washington Post announced that it is fact checking Hillary Clinton's statements. The newspaper intends to announce when and if it finds any.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Black Lives, Black Votes

To Bernie Sanders, black lives matter. 
To Hillary Clinton, only black votes matter. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Babies Don’t Make Campaign Donations

Hillary Clinton has been criticized for claiming that unborn babies don’t have any Constitutional rights. Stung by outcry, Hillary issued a clarification of her earlier position. She now says that unborn babies do have one Constitutional right; the right to remain silent. Forever.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Jiminy Clinton

Polls show that Hillary is now the least popular candidate for President in American history. In fact, her poll numbers are so bad that she got a sympathy card signed by Jimmy Carter.

Tip o'the hat to Rocky D. 

Crime and Punishment

Donald Trump recently suggested in an interview that if abortion were illegal there should be penalties for both the abortionist and the person buying the abortion. Hillary Clinton angrily responded that neither of the two should be punished. Just the baby. 

Monday, April 11, 2016

Hillary Loves Washington

Q. Why does Hillary Clinton want to return to Washington? 

A. To be closer to your money.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Hillary's Hairstyle

Hillary Clinton once joked, "If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle." She's had to change it ten times so far this year.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

The Successful Liar

Abraham Lincoln said no man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. 

But remember, Hillary Clinton is a woman. 

Thursday, April 7, 2016

It's a Rare Vintage

Hillary Clinton is so old that her blood type was discontinued. She is trying to preserve her remaining supply with vodka. 

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

It Won't Be Bill

Q. If Hillary is elected, what will the 1st Lady be called?

A. Huma Abedin

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

The Planned Parenthood Parts Catalog

Hillary spent the entire day at a beauty shop, and that was just for her parts and labor estimate.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Hillary's Small World

Hillary is so old that she knew disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner when he was just a Vienna Sausage.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Friday, April 1, 2016

Hillary's Brother

One terrible day the devil himself arrived on Earth. Everyone who saw him ran away screaming in terror, except for one man who stood calmly in the devil’s path. Satan demanded, “Bow down before me. Don't you know who I am?”  “Sure do,” the man calmly answered. Satan asked, “Then why aren't you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “Because I’m Bill Clinton. I'm married to your sister.”