Saturday, December 31, 2016

By That We Mean Prison

Happy New Year, Hillary Clinton! Here's hoping that 2017 brings you everything you so richly deserve!

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Out the Window

Q. How do you wind up with a small fortune donating to Hillary Clinton? 

A. Start out with a large one. 

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Email Warning

If you receive an email entitled, "Naked picture of Hillary Clinton," do not open it. It may contain a naked picture of Hillary Clinton.

Monday, December 26, 2016

What's Her Sign?

Q. What sign was Hillary Clinton born under? 

A. For Sale. 

Preparation Hillary

Late night host Stephen Colbert joked about Hillary Clinton, "My new nickname for her is Preparation H." 

That's a joke that doesn't even need a punchline. 

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Thank You, Hillary

Hillary Clinton spent over a billion dollars on her campaign and all she got us was the best President ever!

Hillary's Birthday Present

Jimmy Fallon claims that the reason Hillary Clinton lost her debate against Donald Trump was because she went to a birthday party. As a result, she didn't have anough time to study all of the questions that the moderators sent her in advance.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

A Non-extradition Nation

Q. What is Hillary Clinton's favorite nation? 

A. Discrimination.


Hillary Failed

Q. Why do Hillary Clinton supporters want to shut down the Electoral College?

A. Because Hillary flunked out.

Friday, December 23, 2016

President Elderly

After having lost the presidency to Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton set her sights on the lesser goal of being elected president of the American Association of Retired Peoples. Unfortunately, the organization informed her that she was too old. 

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Low Score Wins

The MSM is reporting that Hillary Clinton should be President because, despite her landslide elector loss, she "won" the absentee votes, provisional ballot votes, number of billboards, and California's popular vote. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

The Secret Sipper

When Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State, nobody knew she was an alcoholic until the day she showed up sober.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Rains and Pours

It was a bad day for Hillary Clinton yesterday. She lost the Electoral College vote by a landside, and all of the local bars are refusing to open a tab for her.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Where's the Beef?

As reported in the New York Times, Hillary Clinton accused Vladimir Putin of accessing her illegal servers and releasing evidence of her misconduct in office “because he has a personal beef against me.” 

If so, Putin is just a another foreign worker doing a job that Americans won't.


Sunday, December 18, 2016

Alex Jones confronts Hillary Clinton

In this hilarious video, an astounded Alex Jones of Infowars accidently runs into Hillary Clinton and John Podesta at a restaurant in Austin, Texas, and confronts them.


Pricy Pardon

Barack Obama reportedly wants to start his own charitable foundation after he is forced out of the White House. He developed a plan to get the start up money needed to fill the foundation's coffers. He will offer to sell Hillary Clinton her desperately needed pardon in return for funds from her Clinton Foundation. When Hillary asks how much it will cost, Obama will reply, "All of it."

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Hillary's Senior Supporters

My great-grandparents all voted for Hillary Clinton, and I couldn't talk them out of it. Of course, the last one died over twenty years ago.  

Friday, December 16, 2016

Nate Silver's Calculator

Nate Silver has finally offered an excuse for his ludicrous predictions of a massive win by Hillary Clinton in the race for the presidency. He claims to have received a secret CIA report showing that the Russians hacked his calculator.

Hillary versus Putin

Q. Why is Hillary Clinton now trying to blame Russians for her humiliating electoral defeat?

A. Because she's run out of other excuses.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Please, Santa

This year, Hillary Clinton asked Santa Claus for a list of affordable crooked judges.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

We Wish You a Hillary Christmas!

Q. Why are Hillary Clinton supporters like a string of old Christmas lights?

A. Most of them don't work.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Hillary Clinton - Person Of The Year

Hillary Clinton was actually chosen Person Of The Year, but the Russians hacked the Time Magazine computer system. 

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Hillary and the Unicorn

Q: What's the difference between a Hillary Clinton's political future and a unicorn? 

A: None, they're both fictional.

Hillary Had Proof

Hillary Clinton says she had proof Vladimir Putin rigged the election, but that the Russian hackers deleted her evidence.  

Saturday, December 10, 2016

The Russians Did It

Hillary Clinton is claiming that the Russians hacked her teleprompter, forcing her to tell all those lies during her campaign, and also watered down her vodka, causing her public bouts of delirium tremens. 

Hillary Clinton's New Number

Hillary Clinton's phone number directory listing has been changed. Her old phone number has been replaced with "Who even cares anymore?" 

Hillary Homonyms

Donald Trump supporters: Soar!

Hillary Clinton supporters: Sore!

Friday, December 9, 2016

Hillary's Pardon

Q. Why hasn't Barack Obama gotten around to giving Hillary Clinton her presidential pardon yet?

A. He's waiting for the check to clear.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Hillary Clinton Prospers

Cheaters never proper. Unless of course they have a  crooked "charitable foundation" like Hillary Clinton. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Hillary Clinton's send-off

Disgraced former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton will appear at outgoing Senator Harry Mason Reid's send-off party on December 8, 2016. Hillary is scheduled to jump out of a giant rum cake.

Hillary Won Twitter!

Salon (a fake-news site?) is reporting that Hillary Clinton won Twitter during the election. Hillary has not yet named her Twitter cabinet.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

The Real Reason for the Recount

The real reason for the recount is so that Hillary can make sure she that she got all of the votes that she paid for.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Christmas Wine

Q: What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas wine this year? 

A: "I want a recount!"

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Hillary Clinton's Christmas Wish List

Dearest Satan Santa,

This year I want:


1) The ability to get the foreign bribes going again 
2) A pallet of heavy-duty foundation makeup
3) Uranium delivery orders from Vladimir Putin 
4) An autographed copy of "Rules for Radicals"
5) And a Presidential pardon from Barack Obama


Eternally yours,

Hillary


Exit Stage Left

As the curtain falls on the infamous career of Hillary Clinton, it's finally time for her exit, stage left. No refunds.


Saturday, December 3, 2016

Hillary's Participation Award

The Facility Executive website is reporting that the consumer website Rotten Wi-Fi has officially designated the Bill and Hillary Clinton National Airport in Little Rock, Arkansas, for its best airport Wi-Fi in the world award. So don't say Hillary never accomplished anything positive.


Business is Bad

Donations to the Clinton Foundations have fallen so low that Hillary had to use her Senior Discount to help pay for the Michigan recount.  

Hillary Clinton Pay-For-Play® Services

Dear Foreign Dictator,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Hillary Clinton Pay-For-Play® deal. With regular supplemental funding, your Pay-For-Play® purchase should provide you with a lifetime of weapons deals and special treatment.  

Before you request more favors on your behalf by the United States Secretary of State, Team Hillary asks that you fill out our customer service card below. 

1. Which Pay-For-Play® favors did you purchase?
__ Arms Sales
__ Uranium Sales
__ Federal Contracts
__ State Secrets
__ Insider Trading Info
__ Diplomatic Concessions

2. How did you hear about our Pay-For-Play® deals? (Please check all that apply.)
__ MSM Advertisements
__ Craigslist
__ Over Pizza (ahem)
__ Recommended by Lobbyist
__ Recommended by DNC or GOPe
__ The Huffington Post (HuffPo)

3. How do you expect to use your Pay-For-Play® benefits? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Get Cost-Plus Federal Contract Awards
__ Start a Civil War
__ Overturn a Foreign Government
__ Avoid Being Overturned
__ Shut Down American Mines
__ Get Trade Concessions

We here at the Hillary Clinton Pay-For-Play® headquarters in Washington, D.C. are looking forward to doing additional illicit business with you again soon. Remember, we accept gold, uncut diamonds, all currencies, and major credit cards.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Hillary Must Love This Site

Don't believe me? Just watch the video below. Hillary's cracking up.

Nickleback Hillary

Canadian Police have threatened to make DUI suspects listen to Nickelback songs. If convicted, the drunk drivers will be forced to listen to Hillary Clinton speeches.