Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Hillary Clinton's Guilty Conscience

Roger Simon jokingly asks, "Does Hillary Clinton Have a Guilty Conscience?

The answer is both YES and NO. 

YES, Hillary Clinton has a guilty conscious, but NO she doesn't feel the least bit guilty about it.

Hillary's Senior Discount

Hillary Clinton announced that she intends to run again for President again in 2020, and then asked the Federal Election Commission if they would give her a senior's discount on her filing fees. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Hillary at the Movies

Clint Eastwood has announced that he's going to make a film about the life of Hillary Clinton. The movie's working title is “Billion Dollar Cry Baby.”

Monday, November 28, 2016

Pull over, Hillary

Hillary was pulled over drunk the day after the election. She's claiming that the Russians hacked her breathalyzer. 

Saturday, November 26, 2016

No Bad Dreams

Hillary: "Bill, do you dream of me becoming President?" 
Bill: "I never dream about you at all."

Friday, November 25, 2016

Super Sized Hillary

Hillary Clinton has put on twenty pounds since the election. If she gains twenty  more, Hillary can hire Rosie O'Donnell as her body double.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Hillary Hates Dry Turkey

Q. What's Hillary Clinton having for Thanksgiving?
A. Wild Turkey.

The Hillary Bubble

Can't get over Hillary Clinton's loss to President Donald trump? Don't worry. The Bubble will provide snowflakes everywhere with the ultimate safespace.


Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Hillary High, Hillary Low

Even though Hillary Clinton under-performed with the African-American voters, the Hispanic voters, and the Millennial voters, she over-performed with the pollsters and the MSNBC viewers.  

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Hillary versus Gary

When Hillary Clinton found out she lost she got drunk and threw a fit. When Gary Johnson learned he lost, he asked, "Why didn't anybody tell me the election was yesterday?" 

Hillary's National Monument

Hillary Clinton promised to build a national monument to the memory of her mentor, Ku Klux Klan Kleagle and Exalted Cyclops Robert Byrd. When reporters asked Hillary if she could still erect the statue in the wake of her landslide defeat, she exclaimed, "I'll burn that cross when I come to it!" 

Friday, November 18, 2016

Math Fun

57 out of the 100 largest newspapers in America endorsed Hillary Clinton for President. That's one endorsement for every state Barack Obama campaigned in.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Hillary Lost Weight

Hillary has lost over eight pounds since she lost the election. Her staff removed her makeup.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Quid Pro No

Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?

Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?

Tip o'hat to Milo

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Speed Griefing

Hillary Clinton supporters watching Donald Trump's victory on November 8th managed to go through all five stages of grief in a single night.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

When You're Wrong, You're Wrong

When you agree with Hillary Clinton, you're both wrong.

Hillary's Saudi Monument

Q: If Hillary Clinton becomes President, what will she do first? 

A: Convert the Washington Monument into a Minaret!

They Voted For Hillary

Hillary Clinton's final campaign appearance was at a large festive looking Chicago cemetery, thanks to her staff leaving a colorful "I Voted" sticker on every gravestone.


Monday, November 7, 2016

Hillary in the Sky with Diamonds

Hillary Clinton was a heavy drug user for several years, but recently decided to quit. She admitted that the dope distorted her perceptions and impaired her ability to reason, but she's hopeful that those side effects will eventually wear off.

Tip o'the hat to Jay Leno

Hillary's Colonoscopy Schedule

Hillary Clinton has a colonoscopy scheduled for Monday. They should be finished by Wednesday.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Hillary's Direction

Trump wants to lower taxes.

Hillary wants to lower taxpayers.

Why Hillary Falls Down

Hillary Clinton collapsed on the street again and had to be rushed to her daughter's apartment for treatment. The attending physician asked, "Are you still an alcoholic?" "No," Hillary indignantly replied. "That's good," said the doctor, "When did you quit?" She answered, "Earlier this morning."

Friday, November 4, 2016

It's Funny Because It's True

According to the Los Angeles Times, Governor John Sununu joked that Bill Clinton meant Hillary Clinton when he infamously said: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” 

It's funny because it's true.

Hillary's Rebuttal

Donald Trump gave a speech condemning the terrorist attacks taking place in America, then Hillary Clinton gave the rebuttal.

Hillary Gone Wild

Hillary is so fat that when she walked in front of the bigscreen television, Bill missed an entire episode of Girls Gone Wild.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Balancing the Budget, Hillary Style

Q. How did Hillary Clinton manage to spend less of her own money?

A. By stealing more of yours.

Hillary's New Diet

Hillary Clinton just started her new Vodka and Gin diet. She's lost a week already.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Now and Then

Q. When are the only two times Hillary Clinton lies?

A. The past and the present.

Hillary - Over & Out

Entertainment Weekly reports that former comedian Louis C.K. told Conan O'Brien this week that he would take Hillary Clinton "over anybody." It got the biggest laugh of the night. 


Hillary Goggles

Q. What is the difference between Hillary and a fox? 

A. Several stiff drinks.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

What Hillary Worry?

Q. Why doesn't Hillary Clinton worry about the price of gas for her limousine? 

A. You're paying for it.

And Make it a Double

Q. When it's time for her to start drinking again, what does Hillary always order?

A. Vodka and soda. Neat.