Off the Menu

Hillary Clinton is so old that her favorite dish was Passenger Pigeon. 

Hillary Gangsta Names

Some of the best #HillaryGangstaNames from Twitter tonight:

Lil' Seizure

Lil' Cackles

50 Million Cent

50 Point

BustaHip

Hammer Time 

Superpredator

Without a Trace of an Accent

Hillary Clinton is so old that she speaks fluent Neanderthal. 

Post a Picture of Your Vote for Trump

The federal 1st Circuit Court of Appeals ruled today that a ban on voters posting pictures of their completed ballots is a violation of the First Amendment. You have a constitutional right to show your vote for Donald J. Trump, the future President of the United States, online. 

In your face, Hillary!

Hillary Clinton's Vision

Hillary Clinton is so old that her cataracts have cataracts.

Skeletons Galore

Hillary Clinton is so old that lots of the skeletons in her political closet are fossilized.

Early Medicine

Hillary Clinton is so old that her hip replacements are made of bronze.

Thus the Pantsuits

Hillary Clinton is so old that ALL of her veins are varicose. 

Just a Coincidence?

A frigid cold front just rolled across the country, coinciding with each of Hillary Clinton's campaign stops.

Hillary is Stranger than Fiction

The Daily Mail reports that Hillary Clinton demanded to be allowed to stand on a step stool during the first Presidential Debate. (The Commission on Presidential Debates told her no way.)

When Milk Cartons Just Won't Do

Hillary Clinton is so old that if she ever goes missing the Secret Service will have her picture posted on prune juice cartons.

Hillary Clinton, Acting Coach

After her defeat in November, Hillary Clinton still has a lot career options. For example, acting coach for the Walking Dead series.

Get Ready For The First Debate

The President Hillary Clinton Jokes ebook is available for free on Amazon now through the day of the first presidential debate, September 26, 2016. Stock up on wisecracks now.

Cackles Without Cankles

Hillary Clinton is so old that her first television appearance was on the radio. 

Hillary Clinton's Body Double Application

Samantha Bee wanted to be a Hillary Clinton body double. 

Hillary told her, "No, thanks. You're too old."

See Hillary, Say Hillary

"If you report a suspicious person to the FBI, and the FBI doesn't make an arrest, there is a risk that the person will become president." --Scott Adams

Hillary's Confidential Records

Hillary Clinton is so old that her real age is a state secret. A really big secret.

Why is Hillary Cockeyed?

Q. Why is Hillary Clinton so cockeyed?

A. Her left eye has a mind of its own.

Green Eyed Hillary

Hillary is so cockeyed they'll have to Chroma key her eyes in going forward.

Sleepy Eyes

Hillary isn't really cock-eyed. One of her eyes was just asleep.

Eyes Is

Hillary is cocked-eyed in both ISIS.

Hillary and the Grim Reapers

Hillary's so cock-eyed, she sees two Grim Reapers coming.

Missed Selfies

Hillary's so cock-eyed, her selfies miss.

Teleprompter Teleprompter

Hillary's so cock-eyed, she needs two teleprompters.

Hillary's Hammered

Hillary's so cock-eyed, she needed two hammers to smash her Blackberries.

Hillary's Twins

Hillary's so cock-eyed, she thinks Chelsea is twins.

Bollard for Hillary

The one supporter that Hillary Clinton can always depend on.

Hillary's Bad Hair Day

Hillary Clinton is totally jelly of Donald Trump because he has better hair than she does. 

Some Sex Don't Sell

Bill Clinton got bigger royalty payments for his Presidential memoirs than Hillary did. That’s because his memoirs had better sex in it.

Hillary's Favorite Dish

Q: What does Hillary Clinton eat every day? 

A: Crow. 

Hillary's Cold Heart

If Hillary is elected President, she won't commission a painting for her White House portrait. She’ll order an ice sculpture instead.

What Good is Private Privacy?

Hillary Clinton went on a national publicity tour to prove what a private person she is.

Puns are the Lowest Form of Humor

Hillary Clinton is afraid to debate Donald Trump because there would be hell toupée for her.

If You Had a Dollar...

If you had a dollar for every time Hillary told a lie, you'd be the Clinton Foundation.

Hillary's Crazy, But Not That Crazy

Hillary's critics are claiming that she's going crazy, citing an incident this week where she threw a glass at a campaign staffer's head. Hillary's supporters rejected the claim, noting that she made sure to completely finish her drink before throwing the glass. 

Full Moons

Hillary Clinton claims that she always wanted to be an astronaut, but NASA couldn’t find any spacesuit pants big enough would fit her. 

Unconscious and No Conscience

Donald Trump: He's conscious and he has a conscience

Hillary Clinton: Not so much

Hillary Clinton is Rock Solid

People questioned Barack Obama's birth certificate, but there's no question about the authenticity of Hillary's. She's so old it's carved in stone.

Jackie Mason's Hillary Joke

On hearing that poor sick Hillary Clinton was claiming a doctor said she was healthy, Jackie Mason joked, "So if she says she has a letter from a doctor the chances are the letter is from a plumber ..."

Hillary Clinton is Past Her Sell By Date

Hillary Clinton is so old and sick that the Walking Dead zombies wouldn’t eat her.

Above the Law

An arrest warrant for trespassing has been issued for the Green Party presidential candidate, Jill Stein, following her participation in an oil pipeline protest. When asked about the charges being charged brought against her, Jill said that she deeply regrets not being Hillary Clinton.

Hillary's Bucket

Q. Why is Hillary still running for President?

A. It's the very last item left on her bucket list.

Hillary's Rules are Made to be Broken

Hillary Clinton is against capital punishment, except for all the people who got in her way.

Hillary's Walk Around Money

Originally Hillary planned to buy the general election with her huge "walk-around-money" fund. After she collapsed unconscious this 9/11, she decided to rename it her "wheelchair-around-money" fund.

Hillary Clinton was Framed!

Hillary Clinton is so old that color pictures of her come out in black and white.

Hillary Does NOT Lie Every Day

Hillary Clinton does not, contrary to the accusations of many of her critics, lie every single day. Some days she's asleep.

The Hillary Difference

Donald Trump is running a political campaign.

Hilllary Clinton is running a political scampaign.

Lost Fingerprints

Hillary Clinton is so old that her fingerprints have worn off.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Hillary is trying to sell us on her new single-payer medical care plan. The good news about her plan is that everyone will be covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt. 

The Hillary from the Black Lagoon

Hillary Clinton is so old that she wears a scarf to cover up her gills. 

Hillary's Terrible Cough

People are concerned about Hillary's terrible cough. They really shouldn't give it a second thought. Everything about Hillary is terrible.

Hillary at the Movies

Hillary Clinton is so old that she thought 50 Shades of Grey was a hair color.

Hillary Asked For It

Hillary Clinton's doctor told her that her chronic cough would never go away. She demanded a second opinion. The doctor replied, ”Okay, you’re ugly too.”

Leave Poor Sick Hillary Alone!

Enough already! Hillary was just coughing to cover the sound of her incessant farting.

Coughing and Lying

Hillary has begun bizarrely claiming that Donald Trump is forcing her to cough. Kinda like how her criminal conduct is forcing her to lie.

Hillary's Lying Eyes

Hillary Clinton's lying eye reveal her keen sense of fashion. Her lying eyes go perfectly with her lying mouth.

Heinlein predicted Hillary

Robert Heinlein wrote, "A generation which ignores history has no past and no future." That's a spot-on description of Hillary Clinton's supporters.

Hillary and the alt.right

Hillary has been hysterically attacking the alt.right. That's because she's part of the alt.wrong.

She Must Have Missed an Injection

Hillary Clinton said she doesn't understand why everyone is so down on 9/11. She loves their Slurpees.

Going to the Bathroom

Hillary Clinton announced her support for letting grown men into girls' bathrooms. As a show of support for his wife, Bill promised to hang out in them. 

Hillary's Lock Box Solution

Hillary Clinton promises that she'll be all about saving the Social Security fund if she's elected. In fact, she has a Swiss savings account all ready for it.

Hillary's Barcode

Q. Why does Hillary Clinton have a barcode on her pantsuit?

A. Becauses she's for sale.

The Hillary Clinton Action Figure

A new Hillary Clinton action figure should be in stores by Christmas. Pull her string and she falls down.