Thursday, March 31, 2016

Hillary Clinton is not running for President

Hillary is so old that she's toddling, not running, for President.

And Then The Fight Started

Hillary asked Bill, “If I died would you get married again?” Bill answered, “I suppose I might.” This angered Hillary so she asked Bill, “Would you also give her all of my clothes?” He replied, “Nope. They’re the wrong size.” 

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Hillary's Sinking Ship

Hillary Clinton’s new campaign theme music is from the movie Titanic. You know, that movie about a fat lady on a sinking ship.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Hillary, Donald, and Obamacare

Hillary Clinton is so old that even Donald Trump couldn't afford to pay her Obamacare premiums.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Justin Bieber, the President of Canada

Hillary Clinton went on the Jimmy Kimmel Live! show and "joked" that Donald Trump probably couldn't name the President of Canada. Before editing the program tape, Jimmy had to correct Hillary, letting her know that Canada actually has a Prime Minister, and that his name isn't Justin Bieber. 

Saturday, March 26, 2016

An Inconvenient Truth

Hillary complained to Bill that Al Gore kissed his wife Tipper every chance he had. “You should do that too,” Hillary whined. Bill replied, “I will if you insist. But I’ll have to wait until Al is out of town.”

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf

Hillary Clinton was recording a ten second television spot for her campaign, when looking into the camera, she began barking, "Arf, arf, arf, arf, arf..." After Hillary finished, the control booth let her know that she was a couple of seconds short, and needed to add another half dozen barks. She shook her head angrily and replied, “But then it wouldn't make any sense.”

Monday, March 21, 2016

My Bologna has a First Name

On her infamous Listening Tour, Hillary learned that a local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. She visited the shop and asked what was in the Hillary sandwich. “Lots and lots of baloney,” answered the proprietor.

97% of Scientists Agree

Hillary is so old that Climate Scientists blame her birthday cake candles for being the primary cause of Global Warming.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

ZzzzzMails

Rocky D's latest contribution:

Another batch of Hillary's emails were released. Not much in there, except for her constant Googling of the terms "Cankles," "thunder thighs," and "annoying cackle-laugh."

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Hillary's Oath of Office

If Hillary Clinton was elected President of the United States she would have a problem right off the bat. When the time came for her to take the oath of office, she must pledge to support the Constitution. To avoid perjuring herself, she would have to plead the Fifth.

Hillary and the Vacuum Cleaner

You think Hillary Clinton barking and howling like a dog is funny? You should see how she acts when you turn on a vacuum cleaner.

Friday, March 18, 2016

The Woman in Black

Hillary is so old that she can’t wear white pantsuits on the campaign trail. 

Her liver spots show through.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

The Tangled Webb We Weave

Years ago, Bill warned his daughter about her new boyfriend, “Honey, I had an affair with his mother.” Hillary took her aside and reassured her, “Don’t you worry about it. Bill’s not really your father.”

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Hillary Tells Illinois Thank You

Hillary Clinton held a séance tonight to thank her loyal voters in Chicago for the victory over Bernie Sanders in the Illinois primary, 

Monday, March 14, 2016

Make Your Vote Count

A working man was at a Hillary campaign rally, heckling her as she delivered her long, boring speech. Finally, Hillary had enough and screeched at the heckler, “Would you like to stand up and tell the audience what you have ever done for the good of the country?” “Well, Hillary,” the man announced in a calm, firm voice, “I voted against you in the last election.”

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Democrazy

What is going on with the Democrats? I watch these debates. Hillary attacks Bernie. Bernie goes after Hillary. Remember the good old days when the Democrats just spent their time attacking Christians and working people?

Tip o'the hat to Jimmy Fallon

Huckabee pwns Hillary

Governor Mike Huckabee posted on Twitter that, "Trump says the chaos in Chicago was a planned attack. But Hillary insists it was a spontaneous reaction to an internet video."

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Hillary Goes to Heaven

Hillary Clinton was standing at the Pearly Gates, screeching to be let in.  The gate's guardian angel informed her, “I’m sorry, but you are not on the list of people allowed to get into Heaven.”  Hillary shrieked, “How dare you! Go get your boss!”  The angel hurried inside and told his angelic supervisor what happened, but Saint Peter just told him that under no circumstances was Hillary to be allowed inside.  The angel went back to the Pearly Gates to give her the judgement, then returned to Saint Peter only moments later.  Peter asked him, “Is she gone?”   The angel replied, “Well, Hillary’s gone, but so are the Pearly Gates!”

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Hillary has a Medical Issue

Rumors of health problems have been swirling around the Clinton campaign, but a just released classified email recovered from her illegal server has revealed her medical problem. Hillary is so old that she has built up a resistance to Botox.

Hillary Goes to Court

Before Bill and Hillary found out how to make a fortune in politics they lived in an Arkansas trailer park. Money was pretty tight back then, so to make ends meet Hillary took up shoplifting. Even though Hillary was a very good thief, she sometimes got caught. “Welcome back, Hillary. What did you steal this time?” asked the judge. “Just a pack of Virginia Slims,” she replied. The judge asked her, “How many cigarettes are in a pack?” “Twenty,” answered Hillary. The judge announced his sentence, “That will be twenty days in jail. One day for each cigarette in the pack.” Bill jumped up and said, “May I say something, your Honor? She actually stole a carton.”

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

See What You Get

Bill was jogging along a High School fence when he happened to see a streetwalker working the other side of the street. She called out to him, “Fifty bucks!” Bill laughed and called back to her, “Two dollars!” A week later, the streetwalker saw Bill with Hillary and shouted, “See what you get for two dollars?”

Horse Hillary

Donald Trump was campaigning in Texas when he told a group of voters that Hillary was a horses' rear end. One of the voters warned him, “Mister, you better watch out what you say around here. This is horse country.”

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Monday, March 7, 2016

Old growth Hillary

Hillary is so old that her cankles have more rings in them than a old growth forest. 

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Her Healthy Highness Hillary

Hillary announced on the campaign trail that she thinks Obamacare is the greatest achievement in United States history. Maybe even in the history of world. But only for the peasants. She doesn't use it. 

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Friday, March 4, 2016

Hillary's Wisdom Teeth

Hillary is so old her that wisdom teeth are turning senile.

Hillary Hoya

Hillary tried to win the support of a tribe of Native Americans by speaking at a rally on their Reservation. “I promise to provide better educational opportunities for Native Americans,” Hillary announced. The crowd chanted, “Hoya!” Hillary then proclaimed, “I promise to allow more casinos to be built!” The crowd loudly shouted, “Hoya! Hoya!” After her speech, Hillary toured the Reservation and saw a huge herd of cattle. Since she had once made a fortune in cattle futures she decided to ask the Chief if she could get closer and take a look at an actual cow. “Sure,” the Chief said, “But don’t step in the Hoya.”

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Hillary Clinton's Campaign Billboards

The good news is that Hillary Clinton's new campaign motto is "Love and kindness." The bad news is that all of her new billboards will be painted in blood.