If Hillary Clinton was the captain of the Titanic, she would be ordering the crew to keep stoking the engines, while preparing herself a lifeboat.
Memes, jokes, stories, and one-liners about not-President Hillary Rodham Clinton (Хиллари Клинтон)
Monday, February 29, 2016
Hillary Forgets Her Lines
Hillary Clinton made a spectacle of herself recently, yipping on camera like a deranged poodle. The elderly candidate was supposed to have been meowing like a cat, but she forgot her lines.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Give Me That Penny!
Benjamin Franklin's Motto: "A penny saved is a penny earned."
Hillary Clinton's Motto: "A penny saved is a penny not taxed. Tax their savings."
Testify, Hillary, Testify!
Q. What would a prosecutor get if he asked Hillary Clinton to swear to tell “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth” on the witness stand?
A. At least three different answers.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
President's First Lady Precedent
Hillary Clinton joked that she didn't know what to call Bill Clinton if she makes it into the White House, facetiously suggesting, "First dude?"
There's no reason he can't just be called the First Lady however. After all, that's what everybody called Hillary Clinton, and she was never a lady.
Spackle or Putty?
Hillary is so old that the makeup kit for her debate appearances includes a gallon can of Car Repair Putty and a box of Spackling Compound.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
The Onion's Top Five Hillary Clinton Jokes
As reported in The Free Thought Project, The Onion has been purchased by Univision Communications, which is co-owned by one of Hillary Clinton’s biggest campaign donors, Haim Saban. However, to prove to the world that they were not going to turn into a sycophantic propaganda machine devoted to kissing Hillary's pantsuit, The Onion has just published their top five hard-hitting Hillary Clinton jokes. Enjoy!
Q. Why does Hillary Clinton always wear a freshly pressed pantsuit?
A. Because Hillary Clinton's has tremendous responsibilities, and it is important that she maintains a serious and professional appearance.
Q. How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one. Hillary Clinton is a very self-reliant woman and is fully capable of doing anything that a man can do.
Q. If Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders both jumped off of a building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?
A. They would both hit the ground at the same time. Gender doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity, or the ability to be a great President.
Q. What's worse than Hillary Clinton finding a worm in her apple?
A. World hunger.
A fortune teller told Hillary Clinton, “If you are elected, your husband Bill will die a horrible death.” Hillary replied, “Then I will have to drop out of the race for President of the United States, despite my tremendous popularity with the public and my certainty of winning. I could never be the cause of harm to another human being.”
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
What does "Progressive Democrat" mean?
Q. What does it mean when Hillary Clinton says she's a Progressive Democrat?
A. It means she doesn't care what you do, as long as you do whatever she says.
A. It means she doesn't care what you do, as long as you do whatever she says.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Hillary Clinton's Attention-Deficit Disorder
Hillary Clinton suffers from attention-deficit disorder. Whenever the press interviews Bernie Sanders, she thinks that she's not getting enough attention, and she becomes disordered.
Save the Pantsuit!
Scientists warn that if Global Warming continues unabated, sea levels may rise so high that parts of Hillary Clinton's pantsuit will be under water.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Hillary vs Bernie: Social Media
In the person of Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton has found a candidate even slightly more ancient and out of touch than herself. One of the areas that reflects differences between the two Democrat candidates is in their use of different Social Media for campaigning. For example, Hillary has begun using Instagram, while Bernie is still using Telegram.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Hillary and the Cucumbers
After losing the race for the Presidency, Hillary Clinton retired and spent her final sad days puttering around in her garden. She jealously noticed that her even more elderly neighbor, Bernie Sanders, had a garden full of big healthy red tomatoes, but that her tomatoes were all sickly and green. She finally asked Bernie for his gardening secret, and he told her, "Every morning I expose myself in my garden and the tomatoes turn red from embarrassment." For the next few weeks Hillary followed Bernie's example in her own garden, but without the results she hoped for. Not only did her tomatoes stay sickly and green, all of her cucumbers shrank.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
What Happens to Hillary in Vegas...
Britney, Britney

Friday, February 19, 2016
Hillary Clinton Got Tested
Hillary is trying out a new campaign theme this week. She's trying to convince voters that they should vote for her because she has been tested. She got tested because she was feeling the Bern.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Run, Hillary, Run!
There is a new Hillary Clinton bumper sticker that says: RUN, HILLARY, RUN!
Leftists put it on the rear bumpers of their Prii*, while conservatives put it on the front bumpers of their pick-em up trucks.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Hillary Clinton barking like a dog
Hillary Clinton tried to get a laugh out attendees at one of her campaign events this week by pretending to be a dog. Her impression was absolutely uncanny.
Hillary Clinton's official campaign walker
Hillary is so old that her official campaign walker comes equipped with airbags and an oxygen tank.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Hillary Clinton and the UFOs
Hillary Clinton gave The Conway Daily Sun an interview in which she pledged to conduct a Senate investigation into UFO abductions and and their infamous probes. After several months, and the expenditure of millions of taxpayers' dollars, the subsequent investigation revealed that most of the incidents involved Bill Clinton.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Hillary Clinton recovering from New Hampshire
Hillary Clinton suffered such a bad Bern in New Hampshire she should think about getting skin grafts.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Hillary Clinton Office Space parody ad online
The Ted Cruz campaign released a Hillary Clinton/Office Space attack ad showing Hillary smashing a computer with a baseball bat, set to Geto Boys hippity hop music from the Office Space movie, but with new lyrics. The Geto Boys, who apparently didn't find the joke all that amusing, tweeted, "We don't support @tedcruz or his super lame ad using our music."
Friday, February 12, 2016
Hillary's Secret Service Prison Detail
Call Blocking Hillary
"Monica Lewinsky is planning a new app to help fight cyberbullying. The app has already saved her from cyberbullying by blocking all the threatening phone calls, texts and e-mails she still gets from Hillary Clinton."
Rocky D
Scorpion Radio Group
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Hillary's Marriage Memories

Hillary Clinton wasn't always in favor of same sex marriage like she happens to be this week. There was a time long ago when she held a different view, because of the cultural traditions she was raised under.
You see, Hillary is so old that she remembers when marriage was legal only between a cave man and a cave woman.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Hillary and the Horse Thief
An old newspaper article reported that Hillary's great-grandfather was hanged as a horse thief. Hillary explained to the MSM, “My great-grandfather passed away during an important civic function when part of the platform he was standing on collapsed.”
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Hillary's Naughty Selfies
According to her just released financial report, Hillary Clinton's campaign donations are coming largely from women. However, most of those donations are sent with nude selfies and requests for Bill Clinton's cell phone number.
It's how you tell the story
Hillary Clinton issued a press release today in New Hampshire regarding the election results. "I'm proud to announce," she wrote, "that I finished in second place, and Bernie Sanders finished second from the last."
Hillary Clinton and the DMV
"Hillary has a personality problem; people don't like her. Is it just me or does Hillary remind you of the lady at the DMV who is way too happy about closing the window of the line you're standing in right in your face?"
Tip of the hat to Rocky D
Scorpion Radio Group
Monday, February 8, 2016
And a Manual Typewriter
Hillary is so old that she still makes her campaign flyers with carbon paper.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Senior Secret Service
Hillary is so old that the Secret Service had to install bullet-proof glass on her hoveround.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Hillary's Stairway to Heaven
Hillary was on her death bed awaiting the arrival of grim reaper, when former President Bill Clinton and his latest girlfriend arrived to hear her final words. Hillary whispered to them, “I have a box full of bribe money in the attic left over from when I was Secretary of State. I don't want anyone to touch it because when I die I'm going to grab it on my way up to heaven.”
After waiting impatiently for Hillary to draw her last breath, Bill and his girlfriend rushed up to the attic to see if the money was still there. Sure enough, it was. Bill laughed and said to her, “See, I told you Hillary was stupid. She should have put that money in the basement!”
After waiting impatiently for Hillary to draw her last breath, Bill and his girlfriend rushed up to the attic to see if the money was still there. Sure enough, it was. Bill laughed and said to her, “See, I told you Hillary was stupid. She should have put that money in the basement!”
Thursday, February 4, 2016
A Major Operation
Breaking News: Hillary Clinton could no longer fit into any of her pantsuits, so she had to be hospitalized for emergency butt reduction surgery. Even under Obamacare, the surgery was cheaper than replacing her existing wardrobe.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Hillary Told Me So
If you haven't heard Hillary's campaign promises, then you're uninformed.
If you have heard Hillary's campaign promises, you've been misinformed.
Tip of the hat to Mark Twain
If you have heard Hillary's campaign promises, you've been misinformed.
Tip of the hat to Mark Twain
The Bernie/Hillary Joke Wars
In the rapidly escalating joke wars between garrulous Bernie and poor humor-impaired Hillary, Sanders supporters have been scoring multiple
direct hits. Their informational “Bernie or Hillary?” posters
comparing the two candidates on non-political issues have been especially wicked and funny.
Here are a few side-by-side
highlights:
Jazz
|
|
Bernie Sanders
|
Hillary Clinton
|
Miles Davis, John Coltrane |
Kenny G’s Christmas Album |
Olive Garden
|
|
Bernie Sanders
|
Hillary Clinton
|
Only when I’m high |
An authentic Italian restaurant |
Star Wars: The Force
Awakens
|
|
Bernie Sanders
|
Hillary Clinton
|
A return to the franchise’s roots |
I like the new Dr. Spock |
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Hillary Rallies Her Troops
After her embarrassment in Iowa, Hillary decided to have a campaign rally for the upcoming primary in New Hampshire. She held the rally at the historic New Hampshire State Veterans Cemetery, surrounded by the only members of the military who would vote for her.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Two Thieves
Years ago, the Senate Chaplain suffered a massive heart and had to be taken to the emergency room of the hospital. A Senate page rushed to tell Hillary and Harry Reid that the Chaplain asked for them to ride along with him in the ambulance. Seeing the flashing press cameras, the two Senators took hold the Chaplain’s hands as he was driven away. One of the reporters asked the Senate page, “Did the Chaplain say why he wanted Hillary and Harry with him in the ambulance?” The page replied, “Yes, the Chaplain said that if dying between two thieves was good enough for Jesus it was good enough for him.”
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