Hillary, Captain of the Titanic

If Hillary Clinton was the captain of the Titanic, she would be ordering the crew to keep stoking the engines, while preparing herself a lifeboat. 

Hillary Forgets Her Lines

Hillary Clinton made a spectacle of herself recently, yipping on camera like a deranged poodle. The elderly candidate was supposed to have been meowing like a cat, but she forgot her lines.

Give Me That Penny!

Benjamin Franklin's Motto: "A penny saved is a penny earned."

Hillary Clinton's Motto: "A penny saved is a penny not taxed. Tax their savings."

Testify, Hillary, Testify!

Q. What would a prosecutor get if he asked Hillary Clinton to swear to tell “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth” on the witness stand?

A. At least three different answers.

President's First Lady Precedent

Hillary Clinton joked that she didn't know what to call Bill Clinton if she makes it into the White House, facetiously suggesting, "First dude?"

There's no reason he can't just be called the First Lady however. After all, that's what everybody called Hillary Clinton, and she was never a lady.

Spackle or Putty?

Hillary is so old that the makeup kit for her debate appearances includes a gallon can of Car Repair Putty and a box of Spackling Compound.

The Onion's Top Five Hillary Clinton Jokes

As reported in The Free Thought Project, The Onion has been purchased by Univision Communications, which is co-owned by one of Hillary Clinton’s biggest campaign donors, Haim Saban. However, to prove to the world that they were not going to turn into a sycophantic propaganda machine devoted to kissing Hillary's pantsuit, The Onion has just published their top five hard-hitting Hillary Clinton jokes. Enjoy!

Q. Why does Hillary Clinton always wear a freshly pressed pantsuit?
A. Because Hillary Clinton's has tremendous responsibilities, and it is important that she maintains a serious and professional appearance.  

Q. How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one. Hillary Clinton is a very self-reliant woman and is fully capable of doing anything that a man can do.

Q. If Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders both jumped off of a building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?
A. They would both hit the ground at the same time. Gender doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity, or the ability to be a great President. 

Q. What's worse than Hillary Clinton finding a worm in her apple?
A. World hunger.

A fortune teller told Hillary Clinton, “If you are elected, your husband Bill will die a horrible death.” Hillary replied, “Then I will have to drop out of the race for President of the United States, despite my tremendous popularity with the public and my certainty of winning. I could never be the cause of harm to another human being.”

Hillary Clinton's first pantsuit

Hillary is so old that her first pantsuit was made out of elephant ears.

What does "Progressive Democrat" mean?

Q. What does it mean when Hillary Clinton says she's a Progressive Democrat?

A. It means she doesn't care what you do, as long as you do whatever she says. 

Hillary Clinton's Attention-Deficit Disorder

Hillary Clinton suffers from attention-deficit disorder. Whenever the press interviews Bernie Sanders, she thinks that she's not getting enough attention, and she becomes disordered.

Save the Pantsuit!

Scientists warn that if Global Warming continues unabated, sea levels may rise so high that parts of Hillary Clinton's pantsuit will be under water. 

Hillary vs Bernie: Social Media

In the person of Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton has found a candidate even slightly more ancient and out of touch than herself. One of the areas that reflects differences between the two Democrat candidates is in their use of different Social Media for campaigning. For example, Hillary has begun using Instagram, while Bernie is still using Telegram. 

Hillary and the Cucumbers

After losing the race for the Presidency, Hillary Clinton retired and spent her final sad days puttering around in her garden. She jealously noticed that her even more elderly neighbor, Bernie Sanders, had a garden full of big healthy red tomatoes, but that her tomatoes were all sickly and green. She finally asked Bernie for his gardening secret, and he told her, "Every morning I expose myself in my garden and the tomatoes turn red from embarrassment." For the next few weeks Hillary followed Bernie's example in her own garden, but without the results she hoped for. Not only did her tomatoes stay sickly and green, all of her cucumbers shrank. 

What Happens to Hillary in Vegas...

Hillary Clinton won a Nevada Caucus today by a game of chance, getting the high card pulled from a deck of playing cards. Critics accused Hillary of cheating after she got the Ace of Spades and Bernie Sanders got tails. 

Britney, Britney

As reported in the Daily Mail, Britney Spears endorsed Hillary Clinton, and then deleted her online endorsement a few hours later. Apparently Britney had a change of heart and dumped Hillary after learning that the much prettier Bernie Sanders had declared herself an honorary woman. 

Hillary Clinton Got Tested

Hillary is trying out a new campaign theme this week. She's trying to convince voters that they should vote for her because she has been tested. She got tested because she was feeling the Bern.

Run, Hillary, Run!

There is a new Hillary Clinton bumper sticker that says: RUN, HILLARY, RUN! 

Leftists put it on the rear bumpers of their Prii*, while conservatives put it on the front bumpers of their pick-em up trucks.

*The plural of Prius. 

Hillary Clinton barking like a dog

Hillary Clinton tried to get a laugh out attendees at one of her campaign events this week by pretending to be a dog. Her impression was absolutely uncanny.

Hillary Clinton's official campaign walker

Hillary is so old that her official campaign walker comes equipped with airbags and an oxygen tank.

Hillary Clinton and the UFOs

Hillary Clinton gave The Conway Daily Sun an interview in which she pledged to conduct a Senate investigation into UFO abductions and and their infamous probes. After several months, and the expenditure of millions of taxpayers' dollars, the subsequent investigation revealed that most of the incidents involved Bill Clinton.  

Hillary Clinton recovering from New Hampshire

Hillary Clinton suffered such a bad Bern in New Hampshire she should think about getting skin grafts. 

Hillary is Long in the Tooth

Hillary is so old that she and her teeth don't sleep together anymore.

Hillary Clinton Office Space parody ad online

The Ted Cruz campaign released a Hillary Clinton/Office Space attack ad showing Hillary smashing a computer with a baseball bat, set to Geto Boys hippity hop music from the Office Space movie, but with new lyrics. The Geto Boys, who apparently didn't find the joke all that amusing, tweeted, "We don't support @tedcruz or his super lame ad using our music."  

Hillary's Secret Service Prison Detail

How would you like to be on Hillary Clinton's Secret Service detail? 

When she finally goes to prison, you would have to go with her.

Call Blocking Hillary

"Monica Lewinsky is planning a new app to help fight cyberbullying. The app has already saved her from cyberbullying by blocking all the threatening phone calls, texts and e-mails she still gets from Hillary Clinton."

Rocky D 

www.rockyd.com

Scorpion Radio Group

Hillary's Marriage Memories

Hillary Clinton wasn't always in favor of same sex marriage like she happens to be this week. There was a time long ago when she held a different view, because of the cultural traditions she was raised under. 

You see, Hillary is so old that she remembers when marriage was legal only between a cave man and a cave woman.

Hillary and the Horse Thief

An old newspaper article reported that Hillary's great-grandfather was hanged as a horse thief. Hillary explained to the MSM, “My great-grandfather passed away during an important civic function when part of the platform he was standing on collapsed.”

Hillary's Naughty Selfies

According to her just released financial report, Hillary Clinton's campaign donations are coming largely from women. However, most of those donations are sent with nude selfies and requests for Bill Clinton's cell phone number. 

It's how you tell the story

Hillary Clinton issued a press release today in New Hampshire regarding the election results. "I'm proud to announce," she wrote, "that I finished in second place, and Bernie Sanders finished second from the last."

Hillary Clinton and the DMV

"Hillary has a personality problem; people don't like her. Is it just me or does Hillary remind you of the lady at the DMV who is way too happy about closing the window of the line you're standing in right in your face?"

Tip of the hat to Rocky D 

www.rockyd.com

Scorpion Radio Group

And a Manual Typewriter

Hillary is so old that she still makes her campaign flyers with carbon paper.

Senior Secret Service

Hillary is so old that the Secret Service had to install bullet-proof glass on her hoveround.

Hillary's Stairway to Heaven

Hillary was on her death bed awaiting the arrival of grim reaper, when former President Bill Clinton and his latest girlfriend arrived to hear her final words.  Hillary whispered to them, “I have a box full of bribe money in the attic left over from when I was Secretary of State.  I don't want anyone to touch it because when I die I'm going to grab it on my way up to heaven.” 

After waiting impatiently for Hillary to draw her last breath, Bill and his girlfriend rushed up to the attic to see if the money was still there.  Sure enough, it was.  Bill laughed and said to her, “See, I told you Hillary was stupid. She should have put that money in the basement!”

A Major Operation

Breaking News: Hillary Clinton could no longer fit into any of her pantsuits, so she had to be hospitalized for emergency butt reduction surgery. Even under Obamacare, the surgery was cheaper than replacing her existing wardrobe.

Hillary Told Me So

If you haven't heard Hillary's campaign promises, then you're uninformed. 

If you have heard Hillary's campaign promises, you've been misinformed.


Tip of the hat to Mark Twain

The Bernie/Hillary Joke Wars

In the rapidly escalating joke wars between garrulous Bernie and poor humor-impaired Hillary, Sanders supporters have been scoring multiple direct hits. Their informational “Bernie or Hillary?” posters comparing the two candidates on non-political issues have been especially wicked and funny. 

Here are a few side-by-side highlights:

Jazz
Bernie Sanders	Hillary Clinton
Miles Davis, John Coltrane	Kenny G’s Christmas Album
Olive Garden
Bernie Sanders	Hillary Clinton
Only when I’m high	An authentic Italian restaurant
Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Bernie Sanders	Hillary Clinton
A return to the franchise’s roots	I like the new Dr. Spock

Hillary Rallies Her Troops

After her embarrassment in Iowa, Hillary decided to have a campaign rally for the upcoming primary in New Hampshire. She held the rally at the historic New Hampshire State Veterans Cemetery, surrounded by the only members of the military who would vote for her. 

Two Thieves

Years ago, the Senate Chaplain suffered a massive heart and had to be taken to the emergency room of the hospital. A Senate page rushed to tell Hillary and Harry Reid that the Chaplain asked for them to ride along with him in the ambulance. Seeing the flashing press cameras, the two Senators took hold the Chaplain’s hands as he was driven away. One of the reporters asked the Senate page, “Did the Chaplain say why he wanted Hillary and Harry with him in the ambulance?” The page replied, “Yes, the Chaplain said that if dying between two thieves was good enough for Jesus it was good enough for him.”